Fight or Flight or ...

I have to get out of here. When I try to add truth and honesty to a situation and all I am answered back with is anger and conflict it makes me just want to give up. When I express my feelings about something significant that bothers me and receive petty criticism back in return I realize that I can't make someone see themselves from another perspective. If they see all things bad as external to themselves then all I will get from constructive criticism is eye for an eye type responses. They see my criticism as a comparison of them to me, not to an ideal. If they operate off of the postulate that they are always right then debate with them about anything is pointless. They do not seek absolute truth they seek their truth. The quote in the paper this morning said something along the lines of "I must create my own system or be a slave to the system of another." I'd rather put an end to this cycle of system creation and get everyone to realize that there is only one system. Dig it?

"Bring the boys back home
Bring the boys back home
Don't leave the children on their own, no, no
Bring the boys back home

" 'Wrong, do it again!
But it's a man answering, but he keeps hanging up.
(Knock, knock, knock) Time to go!
Are you felling Okay?'

"Is there anybody out there?" -- Bring the Boys Back Home, Pink Floyd

The Philosophers Disease!

I'm reading Zen And The Art Of Motorcycle Maintenance. I'm not sure if I should keep reading philosophical stuff like this. It is nice to know that I am not alone but I tend to build up this hope that there is some sort of answer in the book itself. I know there isn't, I know it is just meant to help me look within myself but I have this incurable hope that the truth is out there rather than in here. So I know that I should be meditating, but I'm still reading philosophy. I watched this movie on Eastern Religion and this English Philosopher was doing some investigative journalism in various parts of the Eastern Hemisphere and ended up at this Buddhist meditation retreat. He was allowed brief daily conversations with the head of the facility who would ask him little questions about one hand clapping and the difference between sickness and health. The philosopher always had a very cerebral response, even as his lack of sleep and other monastery imposed factors began to weigh heavily upon him. Eventually the head of the monastery told him loudly and firmly that he had The Philosophers Disease! So it would seem that I have the philosophers disease. Dis-ease. Yes. I still need to read the book though because I am thinking about giving it to my brother so he can understand what I am trying to do with my life. Then maybe he can explain it to me.

Sorry the Bridge is Out

A buddy of mine called tonight. He asked why I was avoiding him. I had to tell him that he represented certain patterns of behavior that I was presently trying to avoid. He seemed very understanding, but then started asking me about New Years and some things he had that grew on cow patties. I told him that was exactly what I was talking about. It's not that I'm afraid of a lack of self control, I'm just not interested the whole situation. I have difficulty verbalizing where I am at and even if I could I don't believe that certain people in my life would be able to understand and maintain an open mind about it. I'm not interested in talking to someone who wants to pity me without opening up their own life to reevaluation. So I now find it difficult to spend time with people who maintain that their narrow little perspective on the world is the gold standard. And I certainly don't want to sit around talking about nothing while everyone around me gets "fucked up." I also don't want to commiserate over discussions about how messed up the world is. I want something simple without a lot of words but a whole lot of understanding. I want something busy yet peaceful. Something quietly overwhelming. Something new yet comforting. Something old yet fresh. I just have no idea how to get it. Maybe I don't need to get it I just need to be it. Don't worry, I'll hear myself eventually.

Nervous Tension

I'm thinking too much again. Listening to "Nervous Tension" by Lemon Jelly. It has helped before. My fingers are a little sore from starting to learn how to play the guitar. It's been a couple of days now. I knew a few cords that were taught to me by a roommate in Uni. I'm starting from the basics, simple scales. I am sort of interested in observing the learning process rather than focused on attaining a goal. Not sure if that is a good plan but I guess it must be because it is my plan. I am finding it quite soothing to focus myself on practice. Clears the mind. Lots of snow today. I think driving in the snow is one of my favorite things to do. Lets get to it then.

"My dear Phaedrus, whence come you, and whither are you going?"

I don't have any answers to offer, just plenty of questions and disections of experience. I'm not angry at anyone, just frustrated. I am the cause and the effect. The Grand Deunification Theory. An untieable knot of emotion. Classicism vs. Romanticism argument without purpose. Disequilibrium to none? Let it be, Let it be.
"... give me beauty in the inward soul; and may the outward and inward man be at one..." Socrates

Paternal Sufferings

My father and I are very similar in many ways. He has always tried to play the peace maker role, to not rock the boat, to give selflessly and ask for nothing in return. The trouble with this approach to life is that you get lost in the process. Trying to please everyone means that occasionally you have to act against your own value system. That has not been a pleasant thing for him to have to swallow. This has not been a pleasant thing for me to watch him grin and bear. There is a time for conflict. There is a time for standing up for what you believe in. There is a time to bet the pleasant situation in the hopes of winning a real one. My father seems to be like Chamberlain and his tactics those of appeasement. Where was Churchill when I needed him?

Tough Love

So now my mother is pissed and my step-mother is acting strange. I don't know what to do. I know that I should be focused on taking care of my own problems, but part of that involves reevaluating the relationships in my life and trying to make them real. Maybe I just need to lead by example. It hurts when my mother is unwilling to consider her own fallibility. I had a long chat with my grandmother yesterday afternoon. We talked about all this a bit. She told me that perhaps my difficult family situation is just the trial set out for me to overcome. I mentioned Buddha and said that life is suffering. Period. She gives me hope that love can conquer all. I think this has been very good for me. I am bringing suppressed emotions to the surface and having to deal with them in order to remain calm. I am not responsible for the opinions others have of me. I am only responsible for being as true to myself as I can be. I guess that is what you call tough love.

Quantum String Tuning

My old high school chemistry teacher tried to explain the wave-particle duality of everything, including light itself to the class. The relation he stated was that the wavelength of something is equal to a universal constant divided by its mass multiplied by its speed. He said that this applied to electrons as well as bowling balls. In fact, he told us that it applied to ourselves, that each one of us has a wavelength. Because our mass is so large this wavelength is very small. He said that if we reduce our speed we can cancel out our high mass and perhaps increase our wavelength sufficiently for it to be perceivable. The trouble is the universal constant (Plank's constant h = 6.6256E-34 J sec) is very small itself. I like to picture it that each one of us has many wavelengths, and like strumming a guitar if one string is out of tune the whole chord will not sound right. We also cannot focus on only one string and need to tune all of them at the same time as the wavelengths relative to each other are important. Then we must play in the company of others to ensure that our E string is in tune with theirs (or vise versa). So I am trying to slow things down enough that I am able to hear myself better and more effectively tune my strings. Did you just hear that? Just sympathetic vibrations I guess.

Picture This

I was just reading through some of my old posts and thoroughly enjoying myself. I really like some of the titles I have come up with. The one that really rang my bell today is "The I of the Storm." I thought I came up with that one but after a quick google I have discovered that yet again I lack in true originality. I still like it though. So I have a car for the next month thanks to The West Coast. It will help me out in so many ways: Hunting for Christmas, gathering for food, and feeling the freedom. I just have to get over playing the role of consumerist petrochemical burner... Anyhoo. Neither my mother or my step-mother have replied to my appeals to reason and insight. I feel good today. I think yesterday's conflicts were a bit of an emotional catharsis for me. Listening to Coldplay on the ride home from my mother's last night really stirred up something that was already well shaken. I learned a few things about this thing I call me, and as a result about human nature in general. I just hope I didn't hurt anyone in the process. I can live with strained relations with my stepmother, but not with my mother. I don't think I have ever walked away from her on bad terms, until now. Sometimes the path of greatest resistance is the one with the most genuine rewards. Can this family become self aware? Can we all start working towards happiness rather than a picture of happiness? Makes me think of another Family Portrait. My dad really liked that one.

Insecure Telephone Lines

It would seem that the women in my family like to project their own insecurities into me. Either that or I am hateful, condescending, and just plain rude. My step-mother thinks I hate her so she interprets my overt disinterest in her constant myopic verbal spew as a manifestation of my hatred. My mother thinks I believe she is unintelligent so she interprets a curt response to her relentless questioning and second guessing of my problem solving process (I was fixing a problem she was having with her mouse) as an indication that I don't think she is capable of understanding what I am doing. In both cases I was accused of being rude. I presently lack the inner peace to not allow this to affect me and am emotionally forced into a defensive mode. I know my response does not help the situation. I know some of the things I do are some sort of passive-aggressive defense mechanism. That is how I do things though. If I don't like the way I am being treated I will give physical or tone of voice type indications to that effect. It is a reaction to a persons behavior, not an indication of my opinion of that person. I know the difference between a person's intentions and their actions. More trouble arises when my reaction is not only to the present behavior but to a pattern of behavior of which the present is a part. I guess this only happens when I suppress reactions over a period of time or my physical and tonal cues go unnoticed or are misinterpreted. The best answer I guess is to just come right out and be honest. It is tough to criticize behavior without criticizing character. They say you should avoid accusation and just point out how the specific behavior makes you feel. That requires self knowledge that sometimes doesn't come until after the fact. Plus there is the broken telephone consisting of the experience of emotion, the interpretation of the emotion, the expression of that emotion, the hearing of that expression, the interpretation of what was heard, and the emotional response to that interpretation. Life seems to be all about deciding which of those broken telephones is worth trying to fix. Why do we identify with our half of the communication channel? Why can we not see that the portion of human interaction that transmits via waves of light and pressure is a small portion of the full path from one soul to another? The medium of every message consists of at least two imperfect humans. We distort every message we send and also every message we receive, including the ones to and from ourselves. I'm going to try and increase the signal to noise ratio at my end, will you try and take a look at yours?

The Last Supperai

Going out for dinner and a movie with Mom tonight. I think Sechwan is the plan. My mother and sister are not currently talking to each other which puts me in the middle of what I consider to be a load of non-sense. Why do people fight? Can't we all just agree to disagree? I guess it is more complicated than that. I think "The Last Samurai" is also on the agenda. I predict that she will comment on my hair being longer, shake her head laughingly at my dinner selection, talk about all the gifts she bought for my nephews, and refuse to mention my sister at all. Mmmmm, I love pretending everything is fine and dandy. My fortune cookie said "Nature, time, and patience are the three great physicians."

Urbane Horseman

Some good snow out there this morning. I took Shags for a walk and then did another lap by myself. I realized that my gait had changed ever since my original knee injury and it had been contributing to the weakened state of my left hamstring. Since this epiphany I have been making a conscious effort to correct the problem. Hopefully once the muscles start getting used to it I will not have to think about it. They say it is much easier to start bad habits than it is to replace them with good ones. I'm so tired of having to borrow a car to get anywhere around here. I guess public transit is a valid option. The places I want to go are just so far apart. I need Urbia. Is that a word? Either that or a friendly neighborhood grocer who is willing to act as proxy in getting me all the funky things I need. Or I could simplify and go live somewhere where I could grow what I need myself. I need to reply to the booty call and get more clarification. Is life the shit that happens to you or the shit that you make happen? I used to hate multiple choice exams that included an "all of the above" option. I will have to quote Homer J. here and say "A little from column A and a little from column B."

One Thousand One Hundred and Fifty Nine Moongs

As I write this Daylight by Aesop Rock starts playing. Good memories from a time where it didn't matter what the future held, I knew everything was going to be perfect. Enough of that. I made some Moong Dal for dinner, and I guess a few more meals in the week. Getting the ingredients got me out of honkey town and I visited a Korean, a Middle Eastern, and an Indian grocery. I cooked for myself, by myself and really missed having my own kitchen. I got the recipe on the internet. I'm no connaiseur but I thought it was quite good, I could feel the beads of sweat under my hair. I found out today while over at my grandmother's place setting up the new dresser that I put together for her that she fell down this week and was still getting over some serious pain in her hip. No one knew. No one called. All week. I'm the worst of us all. Call more, visit more. I love talking to her, or should I say listening to her. She's 96 and lived in a much different world than this supposedly "more advanced" state of western civilization. Cancer. Heart attack. Doctor Death. Some day he's coming for me. Better start working on the list before he gets here.

Alien Adduction

The head feels clear. I was able to sleep in until 7:30 this morning and woke up feeling relaxed and light. Demons out! I've been doing these simple leg exercises in the morning ever since my physio appointment. I am currently focusing on three muscle groups: the hip abductors, hip adductors, and upper hamstrings. I think I need to get those left hip adductors into shape to help make up for my stretched MCL and of course help support my reconstructed and slightly loose ACL. It's the little muscles that can really make a difference.

Bacchus on the Wagon

The week of abstinence (actually it was more, I hadn't had a drink in probably two weeks) and the clean system allowed me to really feel the effects of alcohol today. I had five drinks last night, for me that equals relaxed and chatty. Not enough to cause a full hangover but perfect to study the effects. Today when I woke up my eyes felt dry (could be the smoke at the bar too) and my stomach felt irritated. At work this morning I felt lethargic whereas the day before I was dansing. My sister had some trouble with the police today while getting a speeding ticket, they claimed there was a warrant out for her arrest but didn't do anything about it because she had the kids with her and were fairly certain that it was some sort of clerical error. Hearing this really made me feel for her but also got me concerned that I was the one they were actually looking for for an unpaid ticket. A ticket I got a while back for argueing with a cop while drunk. I left the office and was going to go home and pay the ticket. I realized that I would have to either mail in a check or go to the cop-shop to pay it as it did not allow payment at a financial institution. So I never unloaded my stress. I got to the massage place (where I had never been before) and while sitting in the waiting room felt this heart palpitation and needed to breath deeply for a while before it passed. I have felt it before, all drug or alcohol related. I gave up all intoxicants at the beginning of this year and one weekend a few buddies from Ottawa came to visit and I got off the wagon to see them. I felt that same anxiety at work the following Monday. Actually, the last time I had a drink prior to last night was two Fridays ago. I had about a pitcher of beer and smoked* quite a bit. I felt uncontrollable shivers and fear that it might not stop. When I got home that night I felt very anxious and chose to lay off of it all for a while. That is when the brain-pressure started again. That is what motivated me to do the cleansing in the first place. Addiction is a subtle distortion. It makes me forget what I know. I don't want to forget what I know. Done and done. The massage was interesting. Cranial sacral. Very relaxing and meditative. I felt warm and safe so the anxiety left me and I focused on relaxing the tension in my head. The clairity coming out here may be a product of that process. Definately the most "alternative" medicine I have experienced. It was nice to be able to approach it with an open-mind, not wide open, but open. I think I need a good night's sleep.

Breakfast Shortcuts

Good morning. So the adherence to protocol ended last night with a little wine and a few beers. I was thinking about alcohol and how it relaxes that stress in my head that I have been unable to relax on my own. That makes it dangerous because it gives me the illusion of getting what I want with minimal effort. It is especially dangerous because that thing that I want, inner peace, is finally a worthwhile goal to strive after. Hmmmmmmmmm. Saw the Northern Pikes last night and was enjoying some of their lyrics. I had some good discussions regarding the potential perils of the corporate backslide. I like the ex-girlfriend metaphor for my old employer. I referred to the call from my old boss as a booty-call last night. The possibilities are endless. I have a massage scheduled for this afternoon. It isn't going to be the typical Sweedish style, I'll tell y'all about it tonight or tomorrow.

Slide back or Push Forward?

I think I am going to go back and change the titles of all these Day 1-7 posts. Patterns and predictability bore me. Yes, day seven is here and I feel fine. I realize that this little program is as much about cleaning you of habits as it is about cleaning you of toxins. Garbage in -> Garbage out. What am I going to do tomorrow? Which rules will I loosen? Which ones will I abandon? Which ones will I make a part of my life? I got a call from my old boss yesterday. He has a little pet project handed down from above that he has been asked to nurse through infancy for the company. He asked if I was interested in getting involved. My immediate response was no but he implied that he was open to short term arrangements and my input on how to structure our business relationship. There are still a lot of questions in my head but this call sent my mind racing. On the topic of racing.

Suprachiasmatic Nuclear Malfunction

Six days eh? Wow. I went for a walk yesterday night, it was F'ing cold dude. Made me pick up the pace but I could feel it in the extremities. I havn't weighed less than 180 lbs in the winter in a long long time. I woke up at 5:00 this morning. I almost got up for good but decided to give the bed one last chance and managed to make it back into dream land a couple more times. Weird dreams of course, I can't remember them now. Been thinking about travel volunteerism of some sort. I think I need some time away from North America. I need some new shoes that could handle travel/hiking/weather/you name it. My arches and knees need them to. I think today will be a half day at the office/warehouse. I love it when a plan comes together.

Deep Tissue Zazen

Today is the beginning of a new phase in the cleansing process. It is supposed to be a shift from healing to detoxifying. Sounds like fun no? This process could be construed as selfish unless the realization that the self is only a small part of everything else occurs. Personal detox is one step towards global detox. Glass houses, your own backyard, cleanliness is next to godliness, baby steps. Free your mind and the rest will follow.

Meaty Diaper

Maybe I should have been chronicling this thing consistently at the end of each day but whatever. Feeling good this morning. I still have the old wake up at 6:00 am thing going but that was happening before I started this thing. My nephews stayed over the night before last and when they woke up yesterday the youngest had decided to remove his own diaper and try to deal with it himself. He had it on his hands, his pijamas, and all over himself. It was beyond wipes at that point so into the tub he went. Regardless of the mess I think that waking up to two happy young children is good for the soul. I felt a little tired yesterday, less from the regimin and more from having been out until 1:00 am the night before. I was thinking that this is the longest I have ever gone without eating meat. In fact I don't think there was ever a day where I didn't eat meat in my life other than in my infancy. Talk about breaking a long running pattern of behavior, a habit, an assumption. Other than breakfast I imagine meals with meat as the host and starch and veggies as the guests. This is a nice new perspective, don't know what I will do about it on day eight but it is worth thinking about, feeling about, knowing about. Words words words...