Abstract Golden Boughs

I went for a walk and thought of an old expression: "Can't see the forest for the trees." The trouble with finally seeing the forest is that it makes it difficult to see the trees again.

Enough is Enough

I was thinking (yes, again) about big questions in life. I think a good one is "What is enough?" Seems to possess truer utility than the old "How do I get more?" or "How do I make it better?" or "Why?" Those questions only generate more questions or are part of an endless cycle. "What is enough?" can actually be answered, I think...

Sink, Swim, Or Get Out Of The Water

"This is good too, very good," he said, "listen to this: 'A man should be proud of suffering. All suffering is a reminder of high estate.' Fine! Eighty years before Nietzsche. But that is not the sentence I meant. Wait a moment, here I have it. This: 'Most men will not swim before they are able to.' Is not that witty? Naturally, they won't swim! They are born for the solid earth, not for the water. And naturally they won't think. They are made for life, not for thought. Yes, and he who thinks, what's more, he who makes thought his business, he may go far in it, but he has bartered the solid earth for the water all the same, and one day he will drown."
- from the preface of Steppenwolf by Hermann Hesse.

Feeling Steppenwolfish

Feeling a little lonely. One of my best friends came to town. I told him that if he was looking for a drinking buddy that he shouldn't bother to call me. He didn't. Another good friend was supposed to come up to visit but I haven't heard from him. Maybe they are just giving me space. It's not like I have been making much of an effort. I'm sure I will be in touch with them soon enough. I hope no one is taking anything personally. I'm not. I feel awkward not having plans for New Years and not being too concerned about it. I'd like to build a snow cave on the side of a mountain and be warmed from within amidst nature, moon, and stars. Someone to share the moment (and a little body heat) with might be nice. I can be quite good company when I have everything I need.

Impossible God Computer

That last post reminded me of this discussion I had with some friends a few years ago. We were debating the concept of free-will vs. Determinism. In the course of the discussion one of them brought up the idea of a computer programmed with all the laws of the universe, seeded with the current state of everything, being capable of predicting everything and anything. I, being the ever diligent devil's advocate, chose to crush his thought experiment not by pointing out the infinities involved, but rather by showing that the computer cannot be a part of the system that it models, otherwise it would have to contain a complete model of itself. Recursive stack overflow! Either we have the God computer separate from the universe and its laws or we have none at all. I didn't think at the time how we have within us the aspiration to be that impossible God computer. Trying to understand the whole universe when it is obviously impossible for us to fully understand ourselves. There is a third option: that the universe is the computer (sounds like a clever marketing campaign). It models itself simply by being itself. Maybe I should do the same.

Negative Feedback

Ever since ZATAOMM I have been reminded of this concept that has been rattling around in my brain all year. It involves feedback control systems. I wanted to draw a picture but then I realized that it has yet to materialize. I will just remind myself here that I am in the feedback path. Why do I want to draw this picture? Maybe to show that the system has an inherent flaw due to the possibility of recursive overload during self analysis. I'm looking for a proof that will tell me that I should stop looking for a proof. What proof am I talking about? I'll let the little guy from Shawinigan answer that one:

"I don't know, a proof is a proof. What kind of a proof is a proof? A proof is a proof and when you have a good proof it's because it's proven."

(PM Jean Chretien, when asked what kind of proof he would need of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq before deciding to send Canadians -September 5th on CTV news)

Different Strokes

What is style? Where do you draw the line between the assertion of yourself and the imitation of others? Is personal style just an amalgamation of elements from other peoples style that you found appealing in some way? Does it require something truely unique to be truely yours or is the uniqueness of the collage sufficient? We are both artist and work of art. Can we ask the painter to justify each brush stroke she has made or list the strokes to come? Maybe we should just observe her quietly and admire her work.

The Bends

Where do we go from here?
The words are coming out all weird
Where are you now when I need you?
Alone in an aeroplane
Falling asleep against the window pane
My blood will THICKEN.

I need to wash myself again to hide all the dirt and pain
I'd be scared that there's nothing underneath
And who are my real friends?
Have they all got the bends?
Am I really sinking this low?

My baby's got the bends
We don't have any real friends
I'm lying in a bar with my drip feed on
talking to my girlfriend waiting for something to happen
And I wish it was the sixties
I wish I could be happy
I wish, I wish, I wish that something would happen.

Where do we go from here?
The planet is a gunboat in a sea of fear
Where are you when I need you?
They brought in the CIA
The tanks, and the whole marines to blow me away
To blow me sky high.

My baby's got the bends
We don't have any real friends
I'm lying in a bar with my drip feed on
talking to my girlfriend waiting for something to happen
And I wish it was the sixties
I wish I could be happy
I wish, I wish, I wish that something would happen.

I want to live and breathe
I want to be part of the human race.

Radiohead

Cryptic Year in Review

I learned I am capable of justifying anything I do, no matter how horrendous it is.
I learned I have caused much pain to myself and to others.
I learned I often live excessively in the moment.
I learned I often live excessively outside of the moment.
I learned I am my own worst enemy.
I learned I am my own best friend.
I learned love is not a conscious decision.
I learned I cannot bend another's will.
I learned there is good in everyone.
I learned there is evil in everyone.
I learned there are many branches of human endeavor dedicated to telling us these things.
I learned there are many beliefs in my head that are not based on a solid foundation.
I learned the desire to believe something can overwhelm the requirement for rational justification.
I learned sometimes I care too much about myself.
I learned sometimes I care too little about myself.
I learned we all believe in the same thing but just don't realize it.
I learned there is more to me than me.
I learned pretending something doesn't hurt does not prevent it from hurting.
I learned I call stupid that which I do not understand.
I learned history repeats itself.
I learned I already knew all of this.
I unlearned it all.
I'm trying to remember.

Sleeping on the Love Seat

Do you really care how big your TV is? Do you really want to have the greenest grass on your block? Do you know why you do the things you do? Do you realize that when someone gets trampled while shopping it is not a small group of people who are to blame but the entire crowd, the store, and the whole sickening shop till you drop mentality. Everyone I talk to has a list of criticisms of everyone else on this planet a mile long but few if any for themselves. We don't realize that these ills are just our own choices fed back to us. Blame everyone else, curse the system, and then work as hard as you can to be like them and conform to it. And even worse, we teach this philosophy to our kids because no parent wants a kid that doesn't fit in. "I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me."

The Proof Of Your Spirit

All the best kids. I hope the feeling of your Spirit being a little less diluted today lingers into the New Year. If you choose to read that as Spirits then put your thang down, flip it and reverse it. I was reminded today that living true can not be summarized by a code of behavior. A book I received from my sister today reminded me to value "wisdom instead of acquired knowledge, justice instead of law, beauty instead of perfection, harmony instead of compliance, compassion instead of judgment, and wholeness instead of fragmentation." Time to start reflecting on the year, stay tuned.

Naiad

Captivating Conversations

I went to a Hip-Hop show over a year ago in Boston (Mr. Lif if I do recall) with a girl I was in love with, her roommate, and a male friend of hers. I didn't care much for this friend of hers but tolerated him for her sake. He wasn't enjoying the show and at one point when I was getting into it and the lyrics were talking to me, he started talking to me. I chose to be polite and tolerant. Afterwards I felt as if this guy had stolen a moment of my life from me, but I let him steal it. I realized today that I am often guilty of stealing moments of my own life from myself. My internal thinking voice talking away to his favorite captive listener. I reminded myself today that I can sing or hum with my thinking voice (something akin to Homer Simpson's constant state of mind) without making a sound. It may seem childish, like covering your ears and singing loudly when you don't want to hear what someone is saying, but it may prove useful in situations where it is socially unacceptable to sing or hum out loud. Peace.

Precious Poetry

I still have this sore throat thing going and I wish I could just rest today. Instead I will be working in a freezing cold warehouse. My little brother is coming in this morning so that will be interesting. Saw Return of the King last night. The whole series was quite good. Not only is it poetic at the macro level but at the micro level as well. Every relationship required a new perspective, a renewed faith, an abandonment of ignorance, and a search within for trust and strength. A wealth of imagery for my subconscious to play with at night.

What Will Happen Next?

I wrote a little book in grade four called "What Will Happen next?" It is a story written in the second person (I was really into choose your own adventure books at the time) about a scientist (you) who is tring to make a shrinking potion. You succeed but accidentally spill it on yourself instead of your intended guinea pig and shrink. You decide that you are too small to get back up on your lab table to do anything about it and go to sleep in a mouse hole. After waking up and nearly being eaten by the mouse you find the strength to make your way to the top of the lab table. You then make and drink a growth potion and grow to be eight feet six inches tall. You then become a basketball player. I hope I don't need to explain the significance of all this. How did I know how it was going to go when I was only nine years old?

The Tear Connection

I let people and things get to me. I was thinking that allergies are a good analogy of our reaction to the world. We become altered similar to being sick from contact with allergens. These allergens are just harmless things in the environment that our bodies decide are worth mounting an immune response to. We blame the cat, we blame the dust, we blame the pollen, but really it is our response to those things that is out of whack. We can consider our immune systems as an extension of our minds: they recognize, react, and remember. With that we can easily see that allergic responses are simply a form of paranoia; the result of excessively and erroneously abstracting all unknown or questionable input as bad. How do we fix our immune system misclassification problems? How do we tell them that they are causing undue misery? Maybe our immune systems have egos that they are dealing with too.

Unfilter the Stream

Just watched All I want for Christmas with my little sister. It was funny seeing Ethan Embry as a young helplessly awkward actor as opposed to an older intentionally awkward actor. I liked him in Empire Records, Vegas Vacation and Can't Hardly Wait. Well, the movie was the classic get your divorced parents back together at Christmas flic. I never lived that dream. I knew early on that my parents were never getting back together. Why does Hollywood have to rub my face in the image of their ideal family. Why am I letting it bother me. Why am I letting it really bother me. Why did I pretend that it didn't bother me for so long. The good parts about the movie were that the reason the parents had divorced was the father had quit his yuppie lifestyle to open his own diner and that little Ethan fell in love with a very beautiful young girl. She reminded me of a few girls I knew and love. There is so much going on over here that never makes it onto this page. I miss my stream of consciousness days. My brother-inlaw has this buddy that they call "Filter" because he doesn't have one. I envy him sometimes. You don't need a filter if the stream is already pure.

Rhetorical Balance Sheet

I was working with my sister and I realized that she is fairly rigid in her opinions. I guess we all are. I certainly am. I brought up a friend of mine who I described as being very opinionated and considered discussions as things to win rather than ways to learn. It really got me thinking about Rhetoric vs. Dialectic. My sister was defending him and the use of rhetoric (she never met the guy), but using rhetoric in the process and thus was only interested in presenting her point of view. I tried, not very hard mind you, to make it a discussion aimed at discussing universal ideals. No luck. I started thinking how closed minded she seemed. Then instead of dwelling on it I reminded myself that I was and am capable of exactly the same kind of affinity for my own opinions. My sister also brought up this concept of "The Emotional Balance Sheet" that she got from some self help book. I'm not sure she is using it in a constructive way. I think the point of something like that would be to recognize what triggers positive and negative emotional responses in your life so that you can better understand yourself. It seems like more of an analogy of how most people are dealing with relationships rather than how they should. She seems to like to use it to keep track of favors and acts of kindness to decide where she should "spend" her love. I'm not sure if she is taking ownership of her emotions. I told her that I think her analogy seems to be part of the problem rather than part of the solution. She wasn't interested in debating it.

Peripatetic Closure

Finished reading ZATAOMM. I realized what a perfect point in time it was for me to have read it. It reminded me how key Plato was in confirming the validity of what I was experiencing. For some people I have talked to it has helped to incite the quest in them. I am going to use it to help me push it forward to practicality. There were many analogies that I drew from characters and events in the book to myself, my immediate family, and things I/we have gone through. I also like his take on mental illness, a view I have been pondering. If someone were to ask me today what Schizophrenia was I would tell them it is a word used to describe a set of symptoms. Too often I see us reacting to our classification of a person, rather than to the actual person. They are just words! So I have this urge to get into motorcycling. I realize the metaphor but the open road is calling. As is the west coast. I had convinced myself before that San Francisco was where I belonged. That was because the personification of my soul was in San Fran. Keep the soul personification to your poetry, trust me. Soul mate is fine, just make sure you find your soul before you try to find a mate for it. That should be part of the marriage license test. Vancouver could be interesting. I should write my own allegory. Pirsig liked his smokes, coffees, and beers on the road a little too much for me to fully believe that he really cared about his motorcycle. Mine would be a little more holistic. I wish I started this blog in January. I guess I have to keep some secrets from my readers.

Productive Reactions

I think I am sick. I have a bit of a sore throat and one of the glands in my neck on my right side is swollen. I haven't been sleeping very well over the past few days, maybe that has something to do with it. I'm not as relaxed when I go to sleep and I wake up early and my mind is already racing. I think I will stay home today. Rest and relaxation are exactly what I need. Maybe a nice bath. Its funny how feeling tired is usually a mental phenomenon rather than a physical one. And not a product of a period of stress but a reaction to a period of stress. Change the reaction and you don't feel tired anymore. Most people only know how to fix it by removing the stress for a sufficient period of time. I would like to change the reaction. This is my goal for the day.