Tuesday, August 07, 2007
I’m tired of trying, tired of wanting, tired of thinking, tired of hurting, tired of being tired. I once found a place within myself which accepted an apology for a pattern of disrespectful behaviour. It is that same place that aches when I am afraid; afraid of judgment, afraid others will suffer, afraid to lose her again. I listened to that place within quietly and patiently and felt a deep subtle and persistent shiver. An ever present tremble only perceived with diligent and vigilant observation. I can’t always feel it but I know it’s there. Every now and again it gets amplified to an appreciable level; an overwhelming fear that the peace, connection, wonder, and security will come to an abrupt end. I hate living in the fear. I fight it with pride but this also takes me away from the peace. Those feelings of love become fleeting moments. Then I remember to live in the peace, feel the connection, experience the wonder, and be certain of the security, but by then she is gone again. I try to pick up the pieces and put them back together a little more beautifully than before. Perhaps some day she’ll return.