Thursday, October 30, 2003

Monadic Hunters

Listed my first items on eBay today. More of a find a good home for returned product rather than make a pile of cash kind of project. Learned a bit about .NET last night. It was nice to think about development, I had not for quite some time. Met a guy who wants to build self-sufficient, underground, horticultural bunkers. He is concerned about power consumption and ventilation of odors. Went out for some sushi with solman and discussed our respective abilities to stop eating fish if either of us were to go full on vegetarian. My step-mother returned from Vancouver this evening. I guess I have yet to mention her here in these pages. I would but I was told once that if I didn't have anything nice to say than I shouldn't say anything at all. I guess just writing that insinuates quite a bit. I will just call her an unskilled actor in the karmic network. Aren't we all though? What do we think about Gabriel Tarde?

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

four hundred and fifty one degrees of bacon

Yea, I signed up. Or at least I requested to be signed up, not sure if I will get into the November class. Ten days. Maybe I will do 2.3 courses. I saw the end of "Starman" tonight. I loved that movie when I was nine. I was a real idealist sci-fi loving dreamer in those years. They made a TV series out of it, loved that too. It had the guy from "Airplane" in it. Seeing Jeff Bridges made me think of "Altered States" (even though that was William Hurt). Then I was thinking that the Starman was a similar character to "K-PAX" although it was Kevin Spacey who played the similar role. Downloaded this program called MindSync. It allows you to layer low frequency (<10Hz) waves ontop of noise, sequence these waves to gradually progress through various alpha and theta wave patterns to aid in guiding you through relaxational or meditative states. I tried the "first time user" sequence generation flow and it was a good time. I will not link to the tool here until I verify that it does not induce seizure or some deep subliminal need for human blood. Who wrote that? Must have been Mxylplyk, he stands on top of the computer with his own personal Dan Marino mask (cut from the cover of my orthopedic surgury Magazine handout) inside of a Budweiser coozy. On our internal cooperative system and the blood brain barrier: "beat beat beat beat there are four in every one you know when the cells get together they beat no boss just beat keeps the heat there is a blood pulse in the head too what does it do does it help with time to keep and to rhyme can you sense your blood i’m cold for food just a little rush please" , on nothing much really: "franklin and the french arguing about kites troglodytes in tights four hundred and fifty one degrees of bacon period" .

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

"What one's mind contains, at this moment, is Dhamma. Dhamma is everything there is." - S.N. Goenkaji

I discovered this blog called hobopoet and spend a good part of yesterday evening reading and following the links there (thanks for the endorsement Trish). I recently went on a beat binge and was particularly motivated to travel and experience life in the raw by Kerouac's "On the road" so this site really touched something in me. Anyways, this site led me to Vipasanna Meditation and I am now seriously considering signing up for a course. There is one near here in the Eastern Townships. If I am still keen tonight I will register.

"With no illusions, delusions, all miseries go away. But this has to be experienced. This does not happen by merely accepting philosophical beliefs." - S.N. Goenkaji

Sunday, October 26, 2003

Have you ever?

Have you ever just wanted all your obligations and the expectations of the rest of the world to turn off for a day or two so you could just relax in peace?

Have you ever realized you were dreaming while you were dreaming, woke up, and spent the next hour trying to get back to the incredible place you just left?

Have you ever thought about the infinite repercussions of each and every choice you make in a given day?

Have you ever wished you could consult the transcripts of your thinking voice from any point in time since you were born?

Have you ever realized that there is a lot more to your thought than the constant blather of your thinking voice?

Have you ever experienced your own duality by not being able to stop thinking about something that you didn't want to think about?

Have you ever met someone who takes everything you say as a criticism directed at them, even when your comments are purely general, abstract, and without purpose other than perhaps to have a good laugh at life?

Have you ever been honest in an attempt to have a good laugh at yourself?

Have you ever had an argument with someone and then witnessed them having that same argument with someone else but this time taking your side and using your arguments?

Have you ever thought of something that seemed profound but then you decided that someone else must have already thought of it?

Have you ever lied in bed wondering about the theory of relativity thought experiment about the twins where one flies away at near light speed and then returns to earth to find his twin much aged relative to himself (Consistent inertial frame of reference makes it make sense)?

Have you ever thought about creating an evolvable system that could eventually rival the human intellect?

Have you ever wondered how the progress of science and technology could bring purpose to human existence?

Have you ever questioned this thing called free will and thought of yourself as a machine that simply obeys the laws of the universe?

Do you think, decide, then choose or do you choose, think, then justify?

Have you ever made a choice and chosen not to justify it (I guess you might have to chose not to justify not justifying it too. I think this algorithm could lead to an overflow)?

How often has your fear been justifiable after the fact?

If you don't believe in the system is it better to change it from within or to make a new one? Will the new one gradually become the old one? Does a new system imply conflict whereas modification of the old one implies growth? Does abandoning any system abandon both the good and the bad in that system? Can you abandon the system? Must we avoid all discontinuities as these require infinite rates of change? What about new systems within the system?

Have you ever followed every tangent of thought along a path so far as to forget where it was that you started?

Friday, October 24, 2003

Day of mourning

Last night while driving down the highway the engine on my car died. I coasted down my off ramp and once stopped I tried to start her up again, but there was no go. Got the thing towed to my garage and went to bed. This morning I asked the mechanic to take a look at her and see what he could do. He just called me back and told me that the timing belt blew and there was irreparable damage caused to the pistons/valves. He said that he was making the call for me, DNR. Well, for a car that I paid $200 for and have only put about another $450 in repairs into (not including standard maintenance and operating expenses) over a year and a half I'd say I got a deal. I drove to Boston a couple of times, Toronto a few also. Well, my 1991 Honda civic si (AKA black bitch) is dead. My mobility is now severely reduced. Back to relying on friends and public transportation again. Suburbia is tough without a vehicle. What to do, what to do. I will miss her.

"This existence of ours is as transient as autumn clouds. To watch the birth and death of beings is like looking at the movements of a dance. A lifetime is a flash of lightning in the sky. Rushing by like a torrent down a steep mountain." - Buddha

Wednesday, October 22, 2003


Read this!

My favorite lines are:

'That corpse you planted last year in your garden,
'Has it begun to sprout? Will it bloom this year?
'Or has the sudden frost disturbed its bed?
'O keep the Dog far hence, that's friend to men,
'Or with his nails he'll dig it up again!
'You! Hypocrite lecteur! - mon semblable, - mon frère!'

Stuff to Think about

I made a list of stuff to think about (yes, thinking about thinking) while waiting for two hours to submit my passport application. The list is as follows:

1. Intellectual property
2. Ideas
3. Parallels between human psychology, human relations, international relations
4. How to quantify characteristics of a well managed business (workforce, ecology, human rights) to show true ROI
5. Open source hardware
6. Planting seeds in the sub-conscious
7. Social Libertarianism
8. The root of delusions
9. Winning vs. seeking truth
10. The receptionist at the passport office

Maybe I'll get around to it. Just like fixing up the appearance of this blog. I guess it fits with my philosophy, its the content that matters, or is it never do today what you can put off until tomorrow. I'll have to work on that. I realised that my last post didn't really get to Emergent Demorcacy. I guess number 3 in the list will elaborate on why the network in my head is a very good starting point.

Tuesday, October 21, 2003


I've been looking around at various sources of information on Emergent Democracy and I realized that before I go any further I should spew some of my own brain children before I latch onto a pile of other peoples ideas. In fact, new perspectives seem to be an important element in all of this.

So I'll start it off for thanking my father for teaching me the difference between observation and understanding. Thus when seeing, hearing, or reading anything as a child I could either remember it as an experience or, if the threshold of learning was crossed, I would take it inside. Only then would I allow the pruning and grafting of the network in my head leading to my gradual evolution as a human being. Sleepy time is where most of the work happened but I think we can all remember certain Eureka moments in our childhood. A physics prof of mine touted the "from first principles" method of teaching science as it lent itself to building understanding trees rather than a list of "facts" to remember.

So, what I was getting at with this is that as a child, the complex systems of culture, politics, economy, religion, and life in general were far too complex to understand (and still are I might add). So I built up this list of observations of life that I gradually begin to link together. Along the way I would often decide how I thought things should be before I understood how they were. Without realizing it these hopes became the anchors between my observations and my beliefs. Strands of hope.

Many observations are vicarious and thus there is a trust factor associated with the source. My trust was in my family, friends, ministers, teachers, bankers, scientists, police, government and of course my self. Over time the trustworthiness of all these entities came into question. My faith in the system was beginning to fail, my strands of hope were being cut and reality was seeping in. The system was not what I wanted it to be and every day I learned something that showed me that it was even worse than I had thought the day before. So there seem to be three paths away from this disillusionment, action, apathy, and self imposed ignorance. I chose apathy. I didn't forget, I just chose not to do anything about it.

I have since come to understand that apathy is not a path to happiness, for myself or the planet. So I have been wondering what I did with those strands of hope and thinking that maybe they could be useful. From my idealized versions of family, friends, ministers, teachers, bankers, scientists, police, government and self combined with unshackled wisdom I should be able to come up with some worthy ideas on parenting, relationships, church, education, economics, science, law enforcement, governance, and psychology/spirituality. Not definitive solutions, but a perspective worthy of contributing to the collective.

The strength of a network of humans does not come from the quantity of connections, but the quality of those connections. How do you build something out of truth and trust? Are there conceivable systems where ego and self interest are not characteristics of successful elements, systems where the intent supersedes the letter, where power is not abused, where youth is inspired rather than molded, where the currency everyone is striving after is true universal happiness?


So, did you ever think for a while about Mr. Mxylplyk from Superman? He had to make the little imp say his name backwards to get him to disappear. My brother was bored today and he asked me for something to do. I handed him a copy of "Cyrano de Bergerac" and said "You know French, read this" to which he inquired, "What's it about?" and I answered "Some guy with a big nose I think." My dentist is signing my papers for a new passport. My picture is brutal, apparently you are not allowed to smile in passport pictures anymore. Some face recognition plans for the future or something. I think I saw the periodentist who did some gum work on me when I was in high school. I still have these two patches on the roof of my mouth that don't feel quite right after the gum graft. I knocked the things off at football practice, mmmm blood. Got me some Linux and a book and plan to help uncle open source have his movement. The book is about 2.5 inches thick, 3.5 in female company. My hard drive died last week, well it didn't die it just refuses to boot and when I've been copying shit off it to my new one it complains about cyclic redundancy checks failing and the copy aborts. This blog is fucking ugly. I mean really, can't you give this thing a little personality you dim wit?

Friday, October 17, 2003

Blah blah blah

Friday already. Hmm, no plans for the weekend just yet. There is a film/alternative media fest going on in town these days, maybe I will try to find a screening to bask in. Work should be a little less physical today, I'm still a little drained from yesterday's marathon in the warehouse. I believe my buddy's guardian (you can interpret that as girlfriend, wife, mother, jailer, lord, tsar, owner, or whatever) is out of town so he will be reformatting his home as a house of ill repute and tempting me with all sorts of nefarious activities. Maybe I will head downtown and just chill somewhere with a book. It's starting to get cold, not sure if many more reasonable walk outdoor days are left. The homeless in this city must be tough as nails. I wonder if I could hack it.

Thursday, October 16, 2003

The Truth is in there

OK, I've been roaming around in blogspace and the whole while I was thinking how my blog is lacking in guts. I pay a lot of lip service to the grand ideals of self awareness, ego restraint, peace in the moment, and of course truth (this is a simple list, I tend to move on after I list three or four items). The "truth" is that the recognition of these fundamental things that truly make us human was a very recent occurrence for me. I sometimes wonder when I will "get over it" but just continue to realize that this is a lifelong journey. So I quit my job a year and a half ago. Sr. Design Engineer was the title. Integrated Circuit Design was the field. Semiconductor was the industry. A confused soul adrift in a sea of unenlightened egoists was I. My life philosophy was simple, I called it agnostic. It was basically I wont bother you if you don't bother me. The trouble was that the path that had led me to where I was involved more decisions based on what I thought a person in my situation should do rather than what I wanted or needed. I always associated effort and drive as the tools of the ungifted ladder climbers. I imagined an ideal world where everyone was immediately recognized and moved up in the world based on merit. Basically I was a self centered ass hole who lacked the will to take what he felt he deserved. Sufficient alcohol could on occasion remove the restraints and the pure egomaniac would emerge. I especially enjoyed to belittle the "ignorant". It is funny how we humans play this "us and them" game (funny being synonymous with absurd in my vocab these days). I never evaluated myself using the criteria that I used to judge others. So of course I was miserable. I medicated this state quite frequently with smoke* (I got this from a friend's blog and have decided to use the same terminology). It got to the point that my life seemed like an alternation between unrewarding intense long hours of work and some form of intoxication with friends. I lived in a different country from my family and really didn't keep in very close contact with them. I was very miserable. I had some very good friends even then so the situation wasn't rock bottom but I didn't see how I was going to make it any better. So I quit and moved back to Canada. It was a simultaneously humbling and liberating experience. It was the first time I ever deviated from the stable career path I put myself on back in highschool. It was insane. It was brilliant. I ended up being given the honour of being best man at a very close friends wedding and at the wedding started to feel returned affections from a beautiful kind hearted girl I had had a little crush on while living in the US. I could go into the details of what followed but I guess I'll just say that I fell for her in a way I had never fallen before. We never ended up together but I have a million fond memories of her and I took something incredibly valuable away with me: an understanding of what love truly is. I cannot argue with the fickle forces of fate that conspired against our relationship, but I am incredibly grateful for the knowledge of spirituality, respect, and universal perspective that I began to understand from my experiences with her. I regained a passion for music, art, literature, and poetry and gained a new perspective on religion. Things I never understood in life, and never admitted to myself that I didn't understand, now made sense to me. I reconnected with my family and am in the process of reconnecting with many of my old friends. Apparently there are lots of people just like me out there. I listened and listened to music, I read and read and read. I started out doing my own personal comparative study of religion, moved on to Philosophy, and haven't stopped yet. So this is why I now feel like Hamlet. I know what I need to do but I am still searching outside of myself. Of course there is more to it than I have written down on this page. I guess I am just so used to going with the flow where the fear of the future is minimal. So my current ideas (in no particular order) are such:
1. Get a job doing what I was doing and let my new life perspective make it bearable.
2. Keep working for the family business and live low stress, volunteer a little
3. Cash in remains of stock purchase plan and travel (Europe, Asia, Australia?)
4. Apply to film school
5. Apply to arts program in Philosophy/Literature split major
6. Apply to graduate engineering program (CAD soft. dev., BioEngineering neurons stuff)
7. Join some well intentioned NGO
8. Just start writing
9. Keep working on list of things to do without actually doing any of them.
The truth is that I'm not the happiest camper right now. I fear the future in a way I never used to. I feel the burden of choice rather than the shackles of fate and am scared. I despise admitting weakness. I love being real. So that is where I'm at. I unloaded two containers of heaters today at work so I guess this is the result of my peaceful manual labour meditation. Once again, more to come...

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

A swim in the shallow end

So what were we talking about tonight? Was it life? I think so. I know so. What is my non-selfish art. Motorcycle maintenance, can I just tinker around? Choice, choice, choice. I have to quote something I wrote "the oscillation above and below too fast too slow too profligate too meek too wacky too neat the rim and the seat her pill and my meat the performance and the treat the ones that you meet the spray with the deet delete" that's what I mean by the ringing. Octane. "eat the dime of my symbiotic absotronic phase induced field of wave dynamic proportion to the apex trough intersection" more on the ringing. "with a smile and a pre programmed bullshit contingency planned response that is your hash table of a personality and you believe in it like it was your world of worlds nonsense obviously to me at least" on the mask. I don't remember it all. I mentioned Camus, I mentioned Pushkin, I mentioned Hamlet, but with out backing it up with thought it was like dropping names. Quote the book? Quote the book of me why don't you. Was that you me or me you or you you or you me? Drop it on the table, put it out there, let it run free. What ever you wanted it to be. If my genes don't live on then let my memes take perpetual hold of all thinkers to come hereafter. Memetic systems, is that all we are? Does it converge on the answer, or is just asking the question enough? Time to come up for some air. But first; Camus for my favorite word, Absurd; Pushkin for unrequited love returned(trust me); and Hamlet for my own personal allegory.

Huxley on Shakespeare and Religion