Wednesday, December 31, 2003

Selfish Love

I wrote this in the spring. I used to wake up every morning and work on it because I had to get it out. It felt good. I'm really glad I wrote it down. I guess knowing what needs to be done and doing it are two different things altogether. Maybe my next works will be called Selfless Void and then Mind at Peace. I could write a heap on the void. Still brainstorming on the peace.

Burning Thought Calories

I catch myself regularly getting mentally tense. I have conversations with people I know in my head, I try to explain things to myself in my head, I tell myself to shut up in my head. It's not like I see these people as hallucinations and I don't suffer from multiple personalities. I just have this obsession to solve, to fix, to be right, to understand, to abstract, to be perfect. I re-live old conversations and add in what I think I should have said. I imagine writing letters or giving speeches that would change a persons perspective. I preach these soliloquies that try to prove to myself that I understand an understanding that cannot be expressed in words. The calories I have burned on these thought processes over my lifetime could have fed a small village. I am learning how to stop. I am learning how to recognize, relax, and clear the mind. Helps me fall asleep better at least. Tends to start up early in the morning again. I have difficulty relaxing it during the day. I'm not interested in medicating with mood alteration any longer. I think I need a creative outlet. Yesterday I decided that today was to be dedicated to creativity. The trouble is that I am not proficient enough in any artistic genre to truly make a channel from myself to my work bypassing my eternal critic. Perhaps thought itself is my art. Maybe I am looking at this all wrong and the problem is not the voice but the audience. Speak up rather than shut up? Sometimes at least.

Tuesday, December 30, 2003

Abstract Golden Boughs

I went for a walk and thought of an old expression: "Can't see the forest for the trees." The trouble with finally seeing the forest is that it makes it difficult to see the trees again.

Enough is Enough

I was thinking (yes, again) about big questions in life. I think a good one is "What is enough?" Seems to possess truer utility than the old "How do I get more?" or "How do I make it better?" or "Why?" Those questions only generate more questions or are part of an endless cycle. "What is enough?" can actually be answered, I think...

Sink, Swim, Or Get Out Of The Water

"This is good too, very good," he said, "listen to this: 'A man should be proud of suffering. All suffering is a reminder of high estate.' Fine! Eighty years before Nietzsche. But that is not the sentence I meant. Wait a moment, here I have it. This: 'Most men will not swim before they are able to.' Is not that witty? Naturally, they won't swim! They are born for the solid earth, not for the water. And naturally they won't think. They are made for life, not for thought. Yes, and he who thinks, what's more, he who makes thought his business, he may go far in it, but he has bartered the solid earth for the water all the same, and one day he will drown."
- from the preface of Steppenwolf by Hermann Hesse.

Monday, December 29, 2003

Feeling Steppenwolfish

Feeling a little lonely. One of my best friends came to town. I told him that if he was looking for a drinking buddy that he shouldn't bother to call me. He didn't. Another good friend was supposed to come up to visit but I haven't heard from him. Maybe they are just giving me space. It's not like I have been making much of an effort. I'm sure I will be in touch with them soon enough. I hope no one is taking anything personally. I'm not. I feel awkward not having plans for New Years and not being too concerned about it. I'd like to build a snow cave on the side of a mountain and be warmed from within amidst nature, moon, and stars. Someone to share the moment (and a little body heat) with might be nice. I can be quite good company when I have everything I need.

Impossible God Computer

That last post reminded me of this discussion I had with some friends a few years ago. We were debating the concept of free-will vs. Determinism. In the course of the discussion one of them brought up the idea of a computer programmed with all the laws of the universe, seeded with the current state of everything, being capable of predicting everything and anything. I, being the ever diligent devil's advocate, chose to crush his thought experiment not by pointing out the infinities involved, but rather by showing that the computer cannot be a part of the system that it models, otherwise it would have to contain a complete model of itself. Recursive stack overflow! Either we have the God computer separate from the universe and its laws or we have none at all. I didn't think at the time how we have within us the aspiration to be that impossible God computer. Trying to understand the whole universe when it is obviously impossible for us to fully understand ourselves. There is a third option: that the universe is the computer (sounds like a clever marketing campaign). It models itself simply by being itself. Maybe I should do the same.

Negative Feedback

Ever since ZATAOMM I have been reminded of this concept that has been rattling around in my brain all year. It involves feedback control systems. I wanted to draw a picture but then I realized that it has yet to materialize. I will just remind myself here that I am in the feedback path. Why do I want to draw this picture? Maybe to show that the system has an inherent flaw due to the possibility of recursive overload during self analysis. I'm looking for a proof that will tell me that I should stop looking for a proof. What proof am I talking about? I'll let the little guy from Shawinigan answer that one:

"I don't know, a proof is a proof. What kind of a proof is a proof? A proof is a proof and when you have a good proof it's because it's proven."

(PM Jean Chretien, when asked what kind of proof he would need of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq before deciding to send Canadians -September 5th on CTV news)

Sunday, December 28, 2003

Different Strokes

What is style? Where do you draw the line between the assertion of yourself and the imitation of others? Is personal style just an amalgamation of elements from other peoples style that you found appealing in some way? Does it require something truely unique to be truely yours or is the uniqueness of the collage sufficient? We are both artist and work of art. Can we ask the painter to justify each brush stroke she has made or list the strokes to come? Maybe we should just observe her quietly and admire her work.

The Bends

Where do we go from here?
The words are coming out all weird
Where are you now when I need you?
Alone in an aeroplane
Falling asleep against the window pane
My blood will THICKEN.

I need to wash myself again to hide all the dirt and pain
I'd be scared that there's nothing underneath
And who are my real friends?
Have they all got the bends?
Am I really sinking this low?

My baby's got the bends
We don't have any real friends
I'm lying in a bar with my drip feed on
talking to my girlfriend waiting for something to happen
And I wish it was the sixties
I wish I could be happy
I wish, I wish, I wish that something would happen.

Where do we go from here?
The planet is a gunboat in a sea of fear
Where are you when I need you?
They brought in the CIA
The tanks, and the whole marines to blow me away
To blow me sky high.

My baby's got the bends
We don't have any real friends
I'm lying in a bar with my drip feed on
talking to my girlfriend waiting for something to happen
And I wish it was the sixties
I wish I could be happy
I wish, I wish, I wish that something would happen.

I want to live and breathe
I want to be part of the human race.


Saturday, December 27, 2003

Cryptic Year in Review

I learned I am capable of justifying anything I do, no matter how horrendous it is.
I learned I have caused much pain to myself and to others.
I learned I often live excessively in the moment.
I learned I often live excessively outside of the moment.
I learned I am my own worst enemy.
I learned I am my own best friend.
I learned love is not a conscious decision.
I learned I cannot bend another's will.
I learned there is good in everyone.
I learned there is evil in everyone.
I learned there are many branches of human endeavor dedicated to telling us these things.
I learned there are many beliefs in my head that are not based on a solid foundation.
I learned the desire to believe something can overwhelm the requirement for rational justification.
I learned sometimes I care too much about myself.
I learned sometimes I care too little about myself.
I learned we all believe in the same thing but just don't realize it.
I learned there is more to me than me.
I learned pretending something doesn't hurt does not prevent it from hurting.
I learned I call stupid that which I do not understand.
I learned history repeats itself.
I learned I already knew all of this.
I unlearned it all.
I'm trying to remember.

Sleeping on the Love Seat

Do you really care how big your TV is? Do you really want to have the greenest grass on your block? Do you know why you do the things you do? Do you realize that when someone gets trampled while shopping it is not a small group of people who are to blame but the entire crowd, the store, and the whole sickening shop till you drop mentality. Everyone I talk to has a list of criticisms of everyone else on this planet a mile long but few if any for themselves. We don't realize that these ills are just our own choices fed back to us. Blame everyone else, curse the system, and then work as hard as you can to be like them and conform to it. And even worse, we teach this philosophy to our kids because no parent wants a kid that doesn't fit in. "I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me."

Thursday, December 25, 2003

The Proof Of Your Spirit

All the best kids. I hope the feeling of your Spirit being a little less diluted today lingers into the New Year. If you choose to read that as Spirits then put your thang down, flip it and reverse it. I was reminded today that living true can not be summarized by a code of behavior. A book I received from my sister today reminded me to value "wisdom instead of acquired knowledge, justice instead of law, beauty instead of perfection, harmony instead of compliance, compassion instead of judgment, and wholeness instead of fragmentation." Time to start reflecting on the year, stay tuned.

Monday, December 22, 2003

Captivating Conversations

I went to a Hip-Hop show over a year ago in Boston (Mr. Lif if I do recall) with a girl I was in love with, her roommate, and a male friend of hers. I didn't care much for this friend of hers but tolerated him for her sake. He wasn't enjoying the show and at one point when I was getting into it and the lyrics were talking to me, he started talking to me. I chose to be polite and tolerant. Afterwards I felt as if this guy had stolen a moment of my life from me, but I let him steal it. I realized today that I am often guilty of stealing moments of my own life from myself. My internal thinking voice talking away to his favorite captive listener. I reminded myself today that I can sing or hum with my thinking voice (something akin to Homer Simpson's constant state of mind) without making a sound. It may seem childish, like covering your ears and singing loudly when you don't want to hear what someone is saying, but it may prove useful in situations where it is socially unacceptable to sing or hum out loud. Peace.

Precious Poetry

I still have this sore throat thing going and I wish I could just rest today. Instead I will be working in a freezing cold warehouse. My little brother is coming in this morning so that will be interesting. Saw Return of the King last night. The whole series was quite good. Not only is it poetic at the macro level but at the micro level as well. Every relationship required a new perspective, a renewed faith, an abandonment of ignorance, and a search within for trust and strength. A wealth of imagery for my subconscious to play with at night.

Saturday, December 20, 2003

What Will Happen Next?

I wrote a little book in grade four called "What Will Happen next?" It is a story written in the second person (I was really into choose your own adventure books at the time) about a scientist (you) who is tring to make a shrinking potion. You succeed but accidentally spill it on yourself instead of your intended guinea pig and shrink. You decide that you are too small to get back up on your lab table to do anything about it and go to sleep in a mouse hole. After waking up and nearly being eaten by the mouse you find the strength to make your way to the top of the lab table. You then make and drink a growth potion and grow to be eight feet six inches tall. You then become a basketball player. I hope I don't need to explain the significance of all this. How did I know how it was going to go when I was only nine years old?

The Tear Connection

I let people and things get to me. I was thinking that allergies are a good analogy of our reaction to the world. We become altered similar to being sick from contact with allergens. These allergens are just harmless things in the environment that our bodies decide are worth mounting an immune response to. We blame the cat, we blame the dust, we blame the pollen, but really it is our response to those things that is out of whack. We can consider our immune systems as an extension of our minds: they recognize, react, and remember. With that we can easily see that allergic responses are simply a form of paranoia; the result of excessively and erroneously abstracting all unknown or questionable input as bad. How do we fix our immune system misclassification problems? How do we tell them that they are causing undue misery? Maybe our immune systems have egos that they are dealing with too.

Friday, December 19, 2003

Unfilter the Stream

Just watched All I want for Christmas with my little sister. It was funny seeing Ethan Embry as a young helplessly awkward actor as opposed to an older intentionally awkward actor. I liked him in Empire Records, Vegas Vacation and Can't Hardly Wait. Well, the movie was the classic get your divorced parents back together at Christmas flic. I never lived that dream. I knew early on that my parents were never getting back together. Why does Hollywood have to rub my face in the image of their ideal family. Why am I letting it bother me. Why am I letting it really bother me. Why did I pretend that it didn't bother me for so long. The good parts about the movie were that the reason the parents had divorced was the father had quit his yuppie lifestyle to open his own diner and that little Ethan fell in love with a very beautiful young girl. She reminded me of a few girls I knew and love. There is so much going on over here that never makes it onto this page. I miss my stream of consciousness days. My brother-inlaw has this buddy that they call "Filter" because he doesn't have one. I envy him sometimes. You don't need a filter if the stream is already pure.

Rhetorical Balance Sheet

I was working with my sister and I realized that she is fairly rigid in her opinions. I guess we all are. I certainly am. I brought up a friend of mine who I described as being very opinionated and considered discussions as things to win rather than ways to learn. It really got me thinking about Rhetoric vs. Dialectic. My sister was defending him and the use of rhetoric (she never met the guy), but using rhetoric in the process and thus was only interested in presenting her point of view. I tried, not very hard mind you, to make it a discussion aimed at discussing universal ideals. No luck. I started thinking how closed minded she seemed. Then instead of dwelling on it I reminded myself that I was and am capable of exactly the same kind of affinity for my own opinions. My sister also brought up this concept of "The Emotional Balance Sheet" that she got from some self help book. I'm not sure she is using it in a constructive way. I think the point of something like that would be to recognize what triggers positive and negative emotional responses in your life so that you can better understand yourself. It seems like more of an analogy of how most people are dealing with relationships rather than how they should. She seems to like to use it to keep track of favors and acts of kindness to decide where she should "spend" her love. I'm not sure if she is taking ownership of her emotions. I told her that I think her analogy seems to be part of the problem rather than part of the solution. She wasn't interested in debating it.

Thursday, December 18, 2003

Peripatetic Closure

Finished reading ZATAOMM. I realized what a perfect point in time it was for me to have read it. It reminded me how key Plato was in confirming the validity of what I was experiencing. For some people I have talked to it has helped to incite the quest in them. I am going to use it to help me push it forward to practicality. There were many analogies that I drew from characters and events in the book to myself, my immediate family, and things I/we have gone through. I also like his take on mental illness, a view I have been pondering. If someone were to ask me today what Schizophrenia was I would tell them it is a word used to describe a set of symptoms. Too often I see us reacting to our classification of a person, rather than to the actual person. They are just words! So I have this urge to get into motorcycling. I realize the metaphor but the open road is calling. As is the west coast. I had convinced myself before that San Francisco was where I belonged. That was because the personification of my soul was in San Fran. Keep the soul personification to your poetry, trust me. Soul mate is fine, just make sure you find your soul before you try to find a mate for it. That should be part of the marriage license test. Vancouver could be interesting. I should write my own allegory. Pirsig liked his smokes, coffees, and beers on the road a little too much for me to fully believe that he really cared about his motorcycle. Mine would be a little more holistic. I wish I started this blog in January. I guess I have to keep some secrets from my readers.

Productive Reactions

I think I am sick. I have a bit of a sore throat and one of the glands in my neck on my right side is swollen. I haven't been sleeping very well over the past few days, maybe that has something to do with it. I'm not as relaxed when I go to sleep and I wake up early and my mind is already racing. I think I will stay home today. Rest and relaxation are exactly what I need. Maybe a nice bath. Its funny how feeling tired is usually a mental phenomenon rather than a physical one. And not a product of a period of stress but a reaction to a period of stress. Change the reaction and you don't feel tired anymore. Most people only know how to fix it by removing the stress for a sufficient period of time. I would like to change the reaction. This is my goal for the day.

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

Fight or Flight or ...

I have to get out of here. When I try to add truth and honesty to a situation and all I am answered back with is anger and conflict it makes me just want to give up. When I express my feelings about something significant that bothers me and receive petty criticism back in return I realize that I can't make someone see themselves from another perspective. If they see all things bad as external to themselves then all I will get from constructive criticism is eye for an eye type responses. They see my criticism as a comparison of them to me, not to an ideal. If they operate off of the postulate that they are always right then debate with them about anything is pointless. They do not seek absolute truth they seek their truth. The quote in the paper this morning said something along the lines of "I must create my own system or be a slave to the system of another." I'd rather put an end to this cycle of system creation and get everyone to realize that there is only one system. Dig it?

"Bring the boys back home
Bring the boys back home
Don't leave the children on their own, no, no
Bring the boys back home

" 'Wrong, do it again!
But it's a man answering, but he keeps hanging up.
(Knock, knock, knock) Time to go!
Are you felling Okay?'

"Is there anybody out there?" -- Bring the Boys Back Home, Pink Floyd

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

The Philosophers Disease!

I'm reading Zen And The Art Of Motorcycle Maintenance. I'm not sure if I should keep reading philosophical stuff like this. It is nice to know that I am not alone but I tend to build up this hope that there is some sort of answer in the book itself. I know there isn't, I know it is just meant to help me look within myself but I have this incurable hope that the truth is out there rather than in here. So I know that I should be meditating, but I'm still reading philosophy. I watched this movie on Eastern Religion and this English Philosopher was doing some investigative journalism in various parts of the Eastern Hemisphere and ended up at this Buddhist meditation retreat. He was allowed brief daily conversations with the head of the facility who would ask him little questions about one hand clapping and the difference between sickness and health. The philosopher always had a very cerebral response, even as his lack of sleep and other monastery imposed factors began to weigh heavily upon him. Eventually the head of the monastery told him loudly and firmly that he had The Philosophers Disease! So it would seem that I have the philosophers disease. Dis-ease. Yes. I still need to read the book though because I am thinking about giving it to my brother so he can understand what I am trying to do with my life. Then maybe he can explain it to me.

Sorry the Bridge is Out

A buddy of mine called tonight. He asked why I was avoiding him. I had to tell him that he represented certain patterns of behavior that I was presently trying to avoid. He seemed very understanding, but then started asking me about New Years and some things he had that grew on cow patties. I told him that was exactly what I was talking about. It's not that I'm afraid of a lack of self control, I'm just not interested the whole situation. I have difficulty verbalizing where I am at and even if I could I don't believe that certain people in my life would be able to understand and maintain an open mind about it. I'm not interested in talking to someone who wants to pity me without opening up their own life to reevaluation. So I now find it difficult to spend time with people who maintain that their narrow little perspective on the world is the gold standard. And I certainly don't want to sit around talking about nothing while everyone around me gets "fucked up." I also don't want to commiserate over discussions about how messed up the world is. I want something simple without a lot of words but a whole lot of understanding. I want something busy yet peaceful. Something quietly overwhelming. Something new yet comforting. Something old yet fresh. I just have no idea how to get it. Maybe I don't need to get it I just need to be it. Don't worry, I'll hear myself eventually.

Monday, December 15, 2003

Nervous Tension

I'm thinking too much again. Listening to "Nervous Tension" by Lemon Jelly. It has helped before. My fingers are a little sore from starting to learn how to play the guitar. It's been a couple of days now. I knew a few cords that were taught to me by a roommate in Uni. I'm starting from the basics, simple scales. I am sort of interested in observing the learning process rather than focused on attaining a goal. Not sure if that is a good plan but I guess it must be because it is my plan. I am finding it quite soothing to focus myself on practice. Clears the mind. Lots of snow today. I think driving in the snow is one of my favorite things to do. Lets get to it then.

"My dear Phaedrus, whence come you, and whither are you going?"

I don't have any answers to offer, just plenty of questions and disections of experience. I'm not angry at anyone, just frustrated. I am the cause and the effect. The Grand Deunification Theory. An untieable knot of emotion. Classicism vs. Romanticism argument without purpose. Disequilibrium to none? Let it be, Let it be.
"... give me beauty in the inward soul; and may the outward and inward man be at one..." Socrates

Sunday, December 14, 2003

Paternal Sufferings

My father and I are very similar in many ways. He has always tried to play the peace maker role, to not rock the boat, to give selflessly and ask for nothing in return. The trouble with this approach to life is that you get lost in the process. Trying to please everyone means that occasionally you have to act against your own value system. That has not been a pleasant thing for him to have to swallow. This has not been a pleasant thing for me to watch him grin and bear. There is a time for conflict. There is a time for standing up for what you believe in. There is a time to bet the pleasant situation in the hopes of winning a real one. My father seems to be like Chamberlain and his tactics those of appeasement. Where was Churchill when I needed him?

Saturday, December 13, 2003

Tough Love

So now my mother is pissed and my step-mother is acting strange. I don't know what to do. I know that I should be focused on taking care of my own problems, but part of that involves reevaluating the relationships in my life and trying to make them real. Maybe I just need to lead by example. It hurts when my mother is unwilling to consider her own fallibility. I had a long chat with my grandmother yesterday afternoon. We talked about all this a bit. She told me that perhaps my difficult family situation is just the trial set out for me to overcome. I mentioned Buddha and said that life is suffering. Period. She gives me hope that love can conquer all. I think this has been very good for me. I am bringing suppressed emotions to the surface and having to deal with them in order to remain calm. I am not responsible for the opinions others have of me. I am only responsible for being as true to myself as I can be. I guess that is what you call tough love.

Friday, December 12, 2003

Quantum String Tuning

My old high school chemistry teacher tried to explain the wave-particle duality of everything, including light itself to the class. The relation he stated was that the wavelength of something is equal to a universal constant divided by its mass multiplied by its speed. He said that this applied to electrons as well as bowling balls. In fact, he told us that it applied to ourselves, that each one of us has a wavelength. Because our mass is so large this wavelength is very small. He said that if we reduce our speed we can cancel out our high mass and perhaps increase our wavelength sufficiently for it to be perceivable. The trouble is the universal constant (Plank's constant h = 6.6256E-34 J sec) is very small itself. I like to picture it that each one of us has many wavelengths, and like strumming a guitar if one string is out of tune the whole chord will not sound right. We also cannot focus on only one string and need to tune all of them at the same time as the wavelengths relative to each other are important. Then we must play in the company of others to ensure that our E string is in tune with theirs (or vise versa). So I am trying to slow things down enough that I am able to hear myself better and more effectively tune my strings. Did you just hear that? Just sympathetic vibrations I guess.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

Picture This

I was just reading through some of my old posts and thoroughly enjoying myself. I really like some of the titles I have come up with. The one that really rang my bell today is "The I of the Storm." I thought I came up with that one but after a quick google I have discovered that yet again I lack in true originality. I still like it though. So I have a car for the next month thanks to The West Coast. It will help me out in so many ways: Hunting for Christmas, gathering for food, and feeling the freedom. I just have to get over playing the role of consumerist petrochemical burner... Anyhoo. Neither my mother or my step-mother have replied to my appeals to reason and insight. I feel good today. I think yesterday's conflicts were a bit of an emotional catharsis for me. Listening to Coldplay on the ride home from my mother's last night really stirred up something that was already well shaken. I learned a few things about this thing I call me, and as a result about human nature in general. I just hope I didn't hurt anyone in the process. I can live with strained relations with my stepmother, but not with my mother. I don't think I have ever walked away from her on bad terms, until now. Sometimes the path of greatest resistance is the one with the most genuine rewards. Can this family become self aware? Can we all start working towards happiness rather than a picture of happiness? Makes me think of another Family Portrait. My dad really liked that one.

Insecure Telephone Lines

It would seem that the women in my family like to project their own insecurities into me. Either that or I am hateful, condescending, and just plain rude. My step-mother thinks I hate her so she interprets my overt disinterest in her constant myopic verbal spew as a manifestation of my hatred. My mother thinks I believe she is unintelligent so she interprets a curt response to her relentless questioning and second guessing of my problem solving process (I was fixing a problem she was having with her mouse) as an indication that I don't think she is capable of understanding what I am doing. In both cases I was accused of being rude. I presently lack the inner peace to not allow this to affect me and am emotionally forced into a defensive mode. I know my response does not help the situation. I know some of the things I do are some sort of passive-aggressive defense mechanism. That is how I do things though. If I don't like the way I am being treated I will give physical or tone of voice type indications to that effect. It is a reaction to a persons behavior, not an indication of my opinion of that person. I know the difference between a person's intentions and their actions. More trouble arises when my reaction is not only to the present behavior but to a pattern of behavior of which the present is a part. I guess this only happens when I suppress reactions over a period of time or my physical and tonal cues go unnoticed or are misinterpreted. The best answer I guess is to just come right out and be honest. It is tough to criticize behavior without criticizing character. They say you should avoid accusation and just point out how the specific behavior makes you feel. That requires self knowledge that sometimes doesn't come until after the fact. Plus there is the broken telephone consisting of the experience of emotion, the interpretation of the emotion, the expression of that emotion, the hearing of that expression, the interpretation of what was heard, and the emotional response to that interpretation. Life seems to be all about deciding which of those broken telephones is worth trying to fix. Why do we identify with our half of the communication channel? Why can we not see that the portion of human interaction that transmits via waves of light and pressure is a small portion of the full path from one soul to another? The medium of every message consists of at least two imperfect humans. We distort every message we send and also every message we receive, including the ones to and from ourselves. I'm going to try and increase the signal to noise ratio at my end, will you try and take a look at yours?

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

The Last Supperai

Going out for dinner and a movie with Mom tonight. I think Sechwan is the plan. My mother and sister are not currently talking to each other which puts me in the middle of what I consider to be a load of non-sense. Why do people fight? Can't we all just agree to disagree? I guess it is more complicated than that. I think "The Last Samurai" is also on the agenda. I predict that she will comment on my hair being longer, shake her head laughingly at my dinner selection, talk about all the gifts she bought for my nephews, and refuse to mention my sister at all. Mmmmm, I love pretending everything is fine and dandy. My fortune cookie said "Nature, time, and patience are the three great physicians."

Sunday, December 07, 2003

Urbane Horseman

Some good snow out there this morning. I took Shags for a walk and then did another lap by myself. I realized that my gait had changed ever since my original knee injury and it had been contributing to the weakened state of my left hamstring. Since this epiphany I have been making a conscious effort to correct the problem. Hopefully once the muscles start getting used to it I will not have to think about it. They say it is much easier to start bad habits than it is to replace them with good ones. I'm so tired of having to borrow a car to get anywhere around here. I guess public transit is a valid option. The places I want to go are just so far apart. I need Urbia. Is that a word? Either that or a friendly neighborhood grocer who is willing to act as proxy in getting me all the funky things I need. Or I could simplify and go live somewhere where I could grow what I need myself. I need to reply to the booty call and get more clarification. Is life the shit that happens to you or the shit that you make happen? I used to hate multiple choice exams that included an "all of the above" option. I will have to quote Homer J. here and say "A little from column A and a little from column B."

Saturday, December 06, 2003

One Thousand One Hundred and Fifty Nine Moongs

As I write this Daylight by Aesop Rock starts playing. Good memories from a time where it didn't matter what the future held, I knew everything was going to be perfect. Enough of that. I made some Moong Dal for dinner, and I guess a few more meals in the week. Getting the ingredients got me out of honkey town and I visited a Korean, a Middle Eastern, and an Indian grocery. I cooked for myself, by myself and really missed having my own kitchen. I got the recipe on the internet. I'm no connaiseur but I thought it was quite good, I could feel the beads of sweat under my hair. I found out today while over at my grandmother's place setting up the new dresser that I put together for her that she fell down this week and was still getting over some serious pain in her hip. No one knew. No one called. All week. I'm the worst of us all. Call more, visit more. I love talking to her, or should I say listening to her. She's 96 and lived in a much different world than this supposedly "more advanced" state of western civilization. Cancer. Heart attack. Doctor Death. Some day he's coming for me. Better start working on the list before he gets here.

Alien Adduction

The head feels clear. I was able to sleep in until 7:30 this morning and woke up feeling relaxed and light. Demons out! I've been doing these simple leg exercises in the morning ever since my physio appointment. I am currently focusing on three muscle groups: the hip abductors, hip adductors, and upper hamstrings. I think I need to get those left hip adductors into shape to help make up for my stretched MCL and of course help support my reconstructed and slightly loose ACL. It's the little muscles that can really make a difference.

Friday, December 05, 2003

Bacchus on the Wagon

The week of abstinence (actually it was more, I hadn't had a drink in probably two weeks) and the clean system allowed me to really feel the effects of alcohol today. I had five drinks last night, for me that equals relaxed and chatty. Not enough to cause a full hangover but perfect to study the effects. Today when I woke up my eyes felt dry (could be the smoke at the bar too) and my stomach felt irritated. At work this morning I felt lethargic whereas the day before I was dansing. My sister had some trouble with the police today while getting a speeding ticket, they claimed there was a warrant out for her arrest but didn't do anything about it because she had the kids with her and were fairly certain that it was some sort of clerical error. Hearing this really made me feel for her but also got me concerned that I was the one they were actually looking for for an unpaid ticket. A ticket I got a while back for argueing with a cop while drunk. I left the office and was going to go home and pay the ticket. I realized that I would have to either mail in a check or go to the cop-shop to pay it as it did not allow payment at a financial institution. So I never unloaded my stress. I got to the massage place (where I had never been before) and while sitting in the waiting room felt this heart palpitation and needed to breath deeply for a while before it passed. I have felt it before, all drug or alcohol related. I gave up all intoxicants at the beginning of this year and one weekend a few buddies from Ottawa came to visit and I got off the wagon to see them. I felt that same anxiety at work the following Monday. Actually, the last time I had a drink prior to last night was two Fridays ago. I had about a pitcher of beer and smoked* quite a bit. I felt uncontrollable shivers and fear that it might not stop. When I got home that night I felt very anxious and chose to lay off of it all for a while. That is when the brain-pressure started again. That is what motivated me to do the cleansing in the first place. Addiction is a subtle distortion. It makes me forget what I know. I don't want to forget what I know. Done and done. The massage was interesting. Cranial sacral. Very relaxing and meditative. I felt warm and safe so the anxiety left me and I focused on relaxing the tension in my head. The clairity coming out here may be a product of that process. Definately the most "alternative" medicine I have experienced. It was nice to be able to approach it with an open-mind, not wide open, but open. I think I need a good night's sleep.

Breakfast Shortcuts

Good morning. So the adherence to protocol ended last night with a little wine and a few beers. I was thinking about alcohol and how it relaxes that stress in my head that I have been unable to relax on my own. That makes it dangerous because it gives me the illusion of getting what I want with minimal effort. It is especially dangerous because that thing that I want, inner peace, is finally a worthwhile goal to strive after. Hmmmmmmmmm. Saw the Northern Pikes last night and was enjoying some of their lyrics. I had some good discussions regarding the potential perils of the corporate backslide. I like the ex-girlfriend metaphor for my old employer. I referred to the call from my old boss as a booty-call last night. The possibilities are endless. I have a massage scheduled for this afternoon. It isn't going to be the typical Sweedish style, I'll tell y'all about it tonight or tomorrow.

Thursday, December 04, 2003

Slide back or Push Forward?

I think I am going to go back and change the titles of all these Day 1-7 posts. Patterns and predictability bore me. Yes, day seven is here and I feel fine. I realize that this little program is as much about cleaning you of habits as it is about cleaning you of toxins. Garbage in -> Garbage out. What am I going to do tomorrow? Which rules will I loosen? Which ones will I abandon? Which ones will I make a part of my life? I got a call from my old boss yesterday. He has a little pet project handed down from above that he has been asked to nurse through infancy for the company. He asked if I was interested in getting involved. My immediate response was no but he implied that he was open to short term arrangements and my input on how to structure our business relationship. There are still a lot of questions in my head but this call sent my mind racing. On the topic of racing.

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

Suprachiasmatic Nuclear Malfunction

Six days eh? Wow. I went for a walk yesterday night, it was F'ing cold dude. Made me pick up the pace but I could feel it in the extremities. I havn't weighed less than 180 lbs in the winter in a long long time. I woke up at 5:00 this morning. I almost got up for good but decided to give the bed one last chance and managed to make it back into dream land a couple more times. Weird dreams of course, I can't remember them now. Been thinking about travel volunteerism of some sort. I think I need some time away from North America. I need some new shoes that could handle travel/hiking/weather/you name it. My arches and knees need them to. I think today will be a half day at the office/warehouse. I love it when a plan comes together.

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

Deep Tissue Zazen

Today is the beginning of a new phase in the cleansing process. It is supposed to be a shift from healing to detoxifying. Sounds like fun no? This process could be construed as selfish unless the realization that the self is only a small part of everything else occurs. Personal detox is one step towards global detox. Glass houses, your own backyard, cleanliness is next to godliness, baby steps. Free your mind and the rest will follow.

Monday, December 01, 2003

Meaty Diaper

Maybe I should have been chronicling this thing consistently at the end of each day but whatever. Feeling good this morning. I still have the old wake up at 6:00 am thing going but that was happening before I started this thing. My nephews stayed over the night before last and when they woke up yesterday the youngest had decided to remove his own diaper and try to deal with it himself. He had it on his hands, his pijamas, and all over himself. It was beyond wipes at that point so into the tub he went. Regardless of the mess I think that waking up to two happy young children is good for the soul. I felt a little tired yesterday, less from the regimin and more from having been out until 1:00 am the night before. I was thinking that this is the longest I have ever gone without eating meat. In fact I don't think there was ever a day where I didn't eat meat in my life other than in my infancy. Talk about breaking a long running pattern of behavior, a habit, an assumption. Other than breakfast I imagine meals with meat as the host and starch and veggies as the guests. This is a nice new perspective, don't know what I will do about it on day eight but it is worth thinking about, feeling about, knowing about. Words words words...

Sunday, November 30, 2003

Mister Tea

Yesterday I participated in the dinner meal with the family but just didn't eat the sweet and sour pork chops and added some split pea soup instead. I at least piggybacked on the veggies and rice. I ended up going out with a couple of buddies last night. It was weird not drinking. We started out at a little Belgian restaurant in the village. They were drinking Stella's and I was drinking green tea. I think that the hardest part of committing to something for me is sharing that choice with others. So many people want you to explain and justify yourself. Do you need to be able to verbalize your motivations? It makes me think of children who answer you with just "because." They have yet to try to understand themselves and thus their actions need no justification. They are not acting as part of some elaborate scheme, they simply are what they are. We ended up at a club of sorts. I played wallflower and felt strangely detached from the whole scene. I often feel anxious in a situation like that. I used to just smoke more and drink more thinking that I should be trying to meet people and loosing myself in the situation. Without the smoke and drink I was much more aware of these feelings. Constantly comparing myself to everyone else and wondering why I wasn't doing what this guy or that guy was doing. Envy, jealousy, self loathing, lust, and prejudice all running through my body while being overly aware of the external presentation of myself. I really feel out of balance these days, not that it is something new but I am just much more aware of it. I still spend far too much time outside of myself; thinking and thinking and thinking. I can feel it as a grip inside my head that will not loosen up. This is the feeling I want to address with meditation. This is my ego refusing to recognize the feedback from the controls. I'm working on it.

Saturday, November 29, 2003

Nutty Regimen

So I made it through yesterday. I am remembering how good unseasoned nuts and seeds tase. The almonds make me think of the holidays of my childhood where I would sit and chat with family and friends while cracking open and eating various nuts. I guess the nuts of my childhood gave way to beer and wine. So no meat yesterday. The regimen allows it but I am taking advantage of this seven days to experience full on veganism. I had some tasty lentil soup last night, lentils is good. The brown rice I made was a little firm. Need to work out how to get the rice cooker to get it just right. Lots of veggies, lots of fruit, I feel good.

Friday, November 28, 2003

Rasaing the Tabula

OK, I have started an all natural seven day cleansing program. Heal and detoxify. The diet is restrictive but natural and wholesome, and the shakes are tasty (especially with a banana and some berries). It feels fine so far but I just started.

Thursday, November 27, 2003

Perspective Diametrics

As usual the physio was no miracle cure. I was told what I new all along: if you want it to get better then you have to work at it, it is a gradual process, you will never attain the ideal that is in your head but with concerted effort you can come close. We had another interesting conversation regarding my brace. Essentially my knee ligaments are loose so to protect my knee I can strengthen the relevant muscles around my knee or wear my brace. The trouble with the brace is that the act of wearing it contributes to the weakening of the muscles. Another example of the opposition between short-term and long-term benefit. It seems that choosing pain and effort is often the most beneficial.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Axis of Kneevil

Gots myself an appointment with a physiotherapist this evening. I'm hoping he is capable of bringing some alignment to my ankle-knee-back axis. I think this bum knee of mine is more of a weight upon my being than I realize. I wonder what affect physical imbalance, subconscious favoring, reduced capability, and mild pain piped right into the right brain hemisphere have on me. Yet another instance of singular incidents in time and space having a lasting impact on this thing I refer to as my life. Makes me want to be ready for the next one.

Saturday, November 22, 2003

A Roll with Dyce

When I woke up this morning I remembered a dream I had just had. My maternal grandfather, my father, and I were walking downtown. My father went off ahead to get the car and my grandfather and I continued along. He was the older version of himself that I remember from my childhood, but before he had become ill approaching his passing. I felt bad having him walk as far as we seemed to need to walk and offered him my sympathy. He told me that he preferred to be in the streets, amongst the bustle of the masses rather than in a car, isolated from it all. I imagined the dampened sounds of the outside world and the white noise of the ventilation fan as I rode shotgun in a car, watching the action outside pass by without any conversation with the driver. I agreed with my grandfather and really began to take in all the sensations of the street and feel alive. I realized at that moment that there were Christmas carols playing. Two men passed us by on inline skates and all of a sudden my grandfather and I were skating. He started ahead and asked me if I remembered talking to him about what happens to our "stuff" when we die. I immediately became aware that he was going to die. He said that he used to believe that nothing happened, but that where he was in life had him believing something different. He made some comment regarding our dirty underwear as he skated out of earshot. I caught up to him at the top of a hill and when he turned around I told him that we better wait there for my father to arrive with the car. I was imagining my frail grandfather trying to skate down a hill when he lost his balance and fell backwards off the road into a sort of ditch. I feared not only for his safety but for his life and rushed to him. I found him laughing loudly. His laughter stopped and his expression became confused and helpless. I asked him to put his arms around my neck so that I could pull him out. I hauled him up onto the street and ended up sitting with him in my arms like a child. I was weeping and feared that this would be his end. I didn't want to lose him again. I held him tight rocking in a rhythmic trance. My father arrived with the car and I motioned for him to come help. Then I woke up. I started to cry. Once I recovered myself I wrote it all down in my journal, my paper and pen journal. I never cried when my grandfather died. I always felt that crying at funerals was a selfish act, that it was not sadness for the person who died but sadness for yourself and dwelling on how their death was going to impact your life. I thought it was better to fondly remember the past with them than to fearfully imagine the future without them. Neither of those perspectives fills the hole that exists right there at any given moment. I guess this dream is telling me, among other things, that in some way, he is still with me. Thanks Grandpa, I'll see ya around.

Thursday, November 20, 2003

Squeegee Philosophy

If you are out there because you want to make lots of money or to be appreciated by all you will be unsuccessful.

If you are out there to clean every dirty windshield you come across you will be unsuccessful.

If you are out there to leave the windshields of those interested in your help cleaner than when you first came across them you can succeed.

Just make sure you know how to clean your own windshield before you start trying to clean anyone else's.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Dangerous Light Switch Cures

I was thinking last night about various interpretations of the expression "You turn me on" and then today I heard my old favorite Today by the Smashing Pumpkins which contains the lyric "I want to turn you on" repeated several times. Where is that switch again? It's tough to find with all this darkness. I borrowed a new book from the library today. My brother wanted to go get Huck Finn so I took him. While there I decided to check if there was any Goethe kicking around. There was but one, Elective Affinities translated by David Constantine. The quote on the back of the book is gold, 'Great passions are a hopeless sickness. What might cure them is what really makes them dangerous.'

Monday, November 17, 2003


MicroBytes prices for RIMM memory was absurd, and they had to order it! Need to find alternative supplier. EBay? Time to consult with some big nerds. OK, so I just posted this for the title, what ya gonna do about it?

More K's for Vinyl

I was doing some software installation yesterday that required several boot cycles so I decided to listen to the turntable. It only gets disabled briefly until the sound card drivers are loaded or something early on in the boot sequence. I listened to some good Beatles (White Album, Abbey Road, Sgt. Peppers), some Joni Mitchel, Herb Alpert, Gordon Lightfoot, and the Easy Rider Soundtrack. With the stereo phono preamp I bought they sound fantastic. I bought a bunch of blank CD's a while back that look like little records. I was going to burn all sorts of Vinyl for everyone but the project never really took off. I burned MJ's Thriller and Hey Jude I believe and then that was it. I didn't like the idea of burning one track for each side of the LP so I had to use some wave file editing software to cut and save each track individually. It was a bit of a pain in the ass. Maybe I will try to find some better wave software, and some more K's for my system (or more likely M's or G's).

Sunday, November 16, 2003

I'm In Suttama

OK, I'm now registered for January 21 - Feb 1. Ten days. January 20th 2003 holds some red pill significance for me so the 10 days immediately following the one year anniversary seem fitting somehow. I finally got IIS to work, had to uninstall and reinstall my Proxy client. I guess if I'm setting up IIS on my machine I should do it on my server. I'll put that on my wake list 8-) Don't forget the TLA.

Dutch al'orange

Maybe I'll start again: The Tricky Dutch have done it again! Will we start calling smokers Orangies akin to Limies of the Royal Navy? Or Orange glowers. Maybe Citrusettes. Why not Seedless Pipers. I dare say Cuban Peelers. Rind Chew? Benson and Hedges menthe d'orange one thousand ultra C legere more like it. I think Linus Pauling would be quite happy with all of this.

Saturday, November 15, 2003

Friday, November 14, 2003


Windy out there! PV = nRT right? Does this constitute an understanding? Whatever. I got paid thirty bucks yesterday evening to have a workout, at least that is how I choose to see it. How much energy could we generate if we hooked all the treadmills, step machines, stationary bikes, glide trainers, rowing machines, and hamster wheels in North America up to the power grid? Rather than calories burned people could proudly proclaim how many kilowatt hours they contributed. Gyms would just set it up to offset their hydro bill. Skepticism of human nature kills hope and is in itself a self fulfilling prophecy of negativity. How about the harder you workout the lower your monthly fee? I gots to go to work!

Thursday, November 13, 2003


I just read an article regarding the concept of adaptive development methodologies as opposed to predictive ones. It seemed like a good life philosophy in general. Don't act according to what you predict is going to happen but rather act in such a way as to be capable of adapting to whatever does happen. The fundamental tenets of enlightenment continue to prove themselves universally applicable.

Interesting to think about...

Monday, November 10, 2003

Thrrrrrrrrrrrree Thrrrrrrrrrrrree Thrrrrrrrrrrrree

Three is my favorite number. What does that mean, favorite? I have always just said that I liked the number three the best. Triples, threesomes, triumvirates, triangles, trinities, and beyond... And then there is that old tri-weekly, try weekly, try weakly joke about the three sexual phases of a marriage. Three opinions are always better than two. When I was young I always imagined that each number had a gender, it all made sense to me. Now they have become ambiguously gender neutral. I guess back then I only had a few categories to put everything into so everything had a gender whether it liked it or not. Back to three. Three examples, three meals, three days, three years old, three times twenty three, three three three three three three three. Imagine that was your phone number, area code 333 extension 3. 1 + 1 => 1. Don't forget channel three. Three Stooges, Three's Company, Three's a Crowd, Three Blind Mice, The Billy Goats Gruff, The Search for Spock, 1/3. Left, right, or somewhere in between. Who reads this drivel?

Visual Stimulation?

Lame Seal vs. Golden Duck

You just need to figure out the controls. Feedback latency, hysteresis, steady as she goes. Impact, do you have any? I've been drinking these Goldenseal and Echinacea drinks, it tastes like honey and water. Good for the immune system and the gut. I think I prefer to go with the Cherokee over the white man drug money machine. All things aside, it's a nice thing to insert into a day where monsieur duMaurier once might have been the primary song and dance man. Hydration is good too right? "The goldenacea honey floral hydration libation." Dot com. Run with it. I have a buddy who believes that my gift is writing autobiography titles. I prefer the broader stroke of the monaker "Gifted Epigrammatist" (nota bene just because a gift is still sitting under the tree (or wrapped up, in the bag, under the pillow ... (three deep :) )) doesn't mean that you can't talk about it). Sounds like some sort of verbal gymnastic mathematician. "I Am The Very Model Of A Modern Major General" recited Barney while pouncing through an impressive sequence of reverse handsprings. Watched a bit of Clash of the Titans today, just the Medusa part. Medusa means "sovereign female wisdom," in Sanskrit. It means snake haired turn you to stone lady to me. Didn't Scrooge McDuck take her out anyway? Maybe Gyro did, certainly not Launchpad McQuack. OK, I made the lame duck connection (just like that show connections with James Burke(knowledge web? I'll have to come back to that) time for bed. Sweet dreams kids.

Thursday, November 06, 2003

Highlife colonic?

I'm tired. Physially, mentaly, and any other ways of being tired that I don't fully understand. Tomorrow, tomorrow... "We know the path but continually choose not to follow it" or something like that. The equilibrium is skewed and needs to be adjusted by removing certain unbalancing reactants from the system. My system. I know them. I love them, I hate them. Goodbye. Tomorrow. Do John and Paul agree?

Remember this episode?

Family Ties - "My Name is Alex".

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Psychosomatic addict

Breathe with me

Breathe the pressure
Come play my game I'll test ya
Psychosomatic addict insane
Breathe the pressure
Come play my game I'll test ya
Psycho-somatic addict insane

Come play my game
Inhale, inhale, youre the victim
Come play my game
Exhale, exhale, exhale

Come breathe with me
Breathe with me

- from Breathe by Prodigy

Monday, November 03, 2003


OK, the car is going to the Kidney Foundation of Canada. Not until the 11th between 11 and 2. Hey, that's rememberance day. Another reason for a moment of silence.

The Bronco's boys can swim!

My friends Chris and Rosie just had a baby. Check her out!

The I of the storm

Doing things not based on obligation. Living in the moment. Intrinsic motivation. Absorption without conscious analysis. Shared joy and sympathy for pain. Not feeling responsible for the perspectives of others. Living in your own head rather than in everyone else's. Choice without conscious logic. "One of these kids is doin' his own thing..." Relax. Thought as a tool rather than as the subject. The I of the storm. I used to, I was, I always, I never, I want, I hate, I can't, I am, I can, I do, I will.

Sunday, November 02, 2003

Thujone Hangover

Pubs, bars, clubs, restaurants, the mountain, the street, the city, the picture show, the people, the friends and the absynth. What a weekend. "Good times, good times." I was quite drained today, slept lots even though I said that I shouldn't. I think I ate enough yesterday to cover the week. Not exactly a weekend of moderation. Do you think if I went back to the mountain she might be there? Mmmmm. I heard some stories about some of the guys I used to work with, still glad I quit. Got some reinforcement for the meditation thing, I should call and see what happened with my application. I forgot to pick up my passport last week. I paid extra for faster service and then forgot to go get it. I feel good. Must be the thujone hangover.

Thursday, October 30, 2003

Monadic Hunters

Listed my first items on eBay today. More of a find a good home for returned product rather than make a pile of cash kind of project. Learned a bit about .NET last night. It was nice to think about development, I had not for quite some time. Met a guy who wants to build self-sufficient, underground, horticultural bunkers. He is concerned about power consumption and ventilation of odors. Went out for some sushi with solman and discussed our respective abilities to stop eating fish if either of us were to go full on vegetarian. My step-mother returned from Vancouver this evening. I guess I have yet to mention her here in these pages. I would but I was told once that if I didn't have anything nice to say than I shouldn't say anything at all. I guess just writing that insinuates quite a bit. I will just call her an unskilled actor in the karmic network. Aren't we all though? What do we think about Gabriel Tarde?

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

four hundred and fifty one degrees of bacon

Yea, I signed up. Or at least I requested to be signed up, not sure if I will get into the November class. Ten days. Maybe I will do 2.3 courses. I saw the end of "Starman" tonight. I loved that movie when I was nine. I was a real idealist sci-fi loving dreamer in those years. They made a TV series out of it, loved that too. It had the guy from "Airplane" in it. Seeing Jeff Bridges made me think of "Altered States" (even though that was William Hurt). Then I was thinking that the Starman was a similar character to "K-PAX" although it was Kevin Spacey who played the similar role. Downloaded this program called MindSync. It allows you to layer low frequency (<10Hz) waves ontop of noise, sequence these waves to gradually progress through various alpha and theta wave patterns to aid in guiding you through relaxational or meditative states. I tried the "first time user" sequence generation flow and it was a good time. I will not link to the tool here until I verify that it does not induce seizure or some deep subliminal need for human blood. Who wrote that? Must have been Mxylplyk, he stands on top of the computer with his own personal Dan Marino mask (cut from the cover of my orthopedic surgury Magazine handout) inside of a Budweiser coozy. On our internal cooperative system and the blood brain barrier: "beat beat beat beat there are four in every one you know when the cells get together they beat no boss just beat keeps the heat there is a blood pulse in the head too what does it do does it help with time to keep and to rhyme can you sense your blood i’m cold for food just a little rush please" , on nothing much really: "franklin and the french arguing about kites troglodytes in tights four hundred and fifty one degrees of bacon period" .

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

"What one's mind contains, at this moment, is Dhamma. Dhamma is everything there is." - S.N. Goenkaji

I discovered this blog called hobopoet and spend a good part of yesterday evening reading and following the links there (thanks for the endorsement Trish). I recently went on a beat binge and was particularly motivated to travel and experience life in the raw by Kerouac's "On the road" so this site really touched something in me. Anyways, this site led me to Vipasanna Meditation and I am now seriously considering signing up for a course. There is one near here in the Eastern Townships. If I am still keen tonight I will register.

"With no illusions, delusions, all miseries go away. But this has to be experienced. This does not happen by merely accepting philosophical beliefs." - S.N. Goenkaji

Sunday, October 26, 2003

Have you ever?

Have you ever just wanted all your obligations and the expectations of the rest of the world to turn off for a day or two so you could just relax in peace?

Have you ever realized you were dreaming while you were dreaming, woke up, and spent the next hour trying to get back to the incredible place you just left?

Have you ever thought about the infinite repercussions of each and every choice you make in a given day?

Have you ever wished you could consult the transcripts of your thinking voice from any point in time since you were born?

Have you ever realized that there is a lot more to your thought than the constant blather of your thinking voice?

Have you ever experienced your own duality by not being able to stop thinking about something that you didn't want to think about?

Have you ever met someone who takes everything you say as a criticism directed at them, even when your comments are purely general, abstract, and without purpose other than perhaps to have a good laugh at life?

Have you ever been honest in an attempt to have a good laugh at yourself?

Have you ever had an argument with someone and then witnessed them having that same argument with someone else but this time taking your side and using your arguments?

Have you ever thought of something that seemed profound but then you decided that someone else must have already thought of it?

Have you ever lied in bed wondering about the theory of relativity thought experiment about the twins where one flies away at near light speed and then returns to earth to find his twin much aged relative to himself (Consistent inertial frame of reference makes it make sense)?

Have you ever thought about creating an evolvable system that could eventually rival the human intellect?

Have you ever wondered how the progress of science and technology could bring purpose to human existence?

Have you ever questioned this thing called free will and thought of yourself as a machine that simply obeys the laws of the universe?

Do you think, decide, then choose or do you choose, think, then justify?

Have you ever made a choice and chosen not to justify it (I guess you might have to chose not to justify not justifying it too. I think this algorithm could lead to an overflow)?

How often has your fear been justifiable after the fact?

If you don't believe in the system is it better to change it from within or to make a new one? Will the new one gradually become the old one? Does a new system imply conflict whereas modification of the old one implies growth? Does abandoning any system abandon both the good and the bad in that system? Can you abandon the system? Must we avoid all discontinuities as these require infinite rates of change? What about new systems within the system?

Have you ever followed every tangent of thought along a path so far as to forget where it was that you started?

Friday, October 24, 2003

Day of mourning

Last night while driving down the highway the engine on my car died. I coasted down my off ramp and once stopped I tried to start her up again, but there was no go. Got the thing towed to my garage and went to bed. This morning I asked the mechanic to take a look at her and see what he could do. He just called me back and told me that the timing belt blew and there was irreparable damage caused to the pistons/valves. He said that he was making the call for me, DNR. Well, for a car that I paid $200 for and have only put about another $450 in repairs into (not including standard maintenance and operating expenses) over a year and a half I'd say I got a deal. I drove to Boston a couple of times, Toronto a few also. Well, my 1991 Honda civic si (AKA black bitch) is dead. My mobility is now severely reduced. Back to relying on friends and public transportation again. Suburbia is tough without a vehicle. What to do, what to do. I will miss her.

"This existence of ours is as transient as autumn clouds. To watch the birth and death of beings is like looking at the movements of a dance. A lifetime is a flash of lightning in the sky. Rushing by like a torrent down a steep mountain." - Buddha

Wednesday, October 22, 2003


Read this!

My favorite lines are:

'That corpse you planted last year in your garden,
'Has it begun to sprout? Will it bloom this year?
'Or has the sudden frost disturbed its bed?
'O keep the Dog far hence, that's friend to men,
'Or with his nails he'll dig it up again!
'You! Hypocrite lecteur! - mon semblable, - mon frère!'

Stuff to Think about

I made a list of stuff to think about (yes, thinking about thinking) while waiting for two hours to submit my passport application. The list is as follows:

1. Intellectual property
2. Ideas
3. Parallels between human psychology, human relations, international relations
4. How to quantify characteristics of a well managed business (workforce, ecology, human rights) to show true ROI
5. Open source hardware
6. Planting seeds in the sub-conscious
7. Social Libertarianism
8. The root of delusions
9. Winning vs. seeking truth
10. The receptionist at the passport office

Maybe I'll get around to it. Just like fixing up the appearance of this blog. I guess it fits with my philosophy, its the content that matters, or is it never do today what you can put off until tomorrow. I'll have to work on that. I realised that my last post didn't really get to Emergent Demorcacy. I guess number 3 in the list will elaborate on why the network in my head is a very good starting point.

Tuesday, October 21, 2003


I've been looking around at various sources of information on Emergent Democracy and I realized that before I go any further I should spew some of my own brain children before I latch onto a pile of other peoples ideas. In fact, new perspectives seem to be an important element in all of this.

So I'll start it off for thanking my father for teaching me the difference between observation and understanding. Thus when seeing, hearing, or reading anything as a child I could either remember it as an experience or, if the threshold of learning was crossed, I would take it inside. Only then would I allow the pruning and grafting of the network in my head leading to my gradual evolution as a human being. Sleepy time is where most of the work happened but I think we can all remember certain Eureka moments in our childhood. A physics prof of mine touted the "from first principles" method of teaching science as it lent itself to building understanding trees rather than a list of "facts" to remember.

So, what I was getting at with this is that as a child, the complex systems of culture, politics, economy, religion, and life in general were far too complex to understand (and still are I might add). So I built up this list of observations of life that I gradually begin to link together. Along the way I would often decide how I thought things should be before I understood how they were. Without realizing it these hopes became the anchors between my observations and my beliefs. Strands of hope.

Many observations are vicarious and thus there is a trust factor associated with the source. My trust was in my family, friends, ministers, teachers, bankers, scientists, police, government and of course my self. Over time the trustworthiness of all these entities came into question. My faith in the system was beginning to fail, my strands of hope were being cut and reality was seeping in. The system was not what I wanted it to be and every day I learned something that showed me that it was even worse than I had thought the day before. So there seem to be three paths away from this disillusionment, action, apathy, and self imposed ignorance. I chose apathy. I didn't forget, I just chose not to do anything about it.

I have since come to understand that apathy is not a path to happiness, for myself or the planet. So I have been wondering what I did with those strands of hope and thinking that maybe they could be useful. From my idealized versions of family, friends, ministers, teachers, bankers, scientists, police, government and self combined with unshackled wisdom I should be able to come up with some worthy ideas on parenting, relationships, church, education, economics, science, law enforcement, governance, and psychology/spirituality. Not definitive solutions, but a perspective worthy of contributing to the collective.

The strength of a network of humans does not come from the quantity of connections, but the quality of those connections. How do you build something out of truth and trust? Are there conceivable systems where ego and self interest are not characteristics of successful elements, systems where the intent supersedes the letter, where power is not abused, where youth is inspired rather than molded, where the currency everyone is striving after is true universal happiness?


So, did you ever think for a while about Mr. Mxylplyk from Superman? He had to make the little imp say his name backwards to get him to disappear. My brother was bored today and he asked me for something to do. I handed him a copy of "Cyrano de Bergerac" and said "You know French, read this" to which he inquired, "What's it about?" and I answered "Some guy with a big nose I think." My dentist is signing my papers for a new passport. My picture is brutal, apparently you are not allowed to smile in passport pictures anymore. Some face recognition plans for the future or something. I think I saw the periodentist who did some gum work on me when I was in high school. I still have these two patches on the roof of my mouth that don't feel quite right after the gum graft. I knocked the things off at football practice, mmmm blood. Got me some Linux and a book and plan to help uncle open source have his movement. The book is about 2.5 inches thick, 3.5 in female company. My hard drive died last week, well it didn't die it just refuses to boot and when I've been copying shit off it to my new one it complains about cyclic redundancy checks failing and the copy aborts. This blog is fucking ugly. I mean really, can't you give this thing a little personality you dim wit?

Friday, October 17, 2003

Blah blah blah

Friday already. Hmm, no plans for the weekend just yet. There is a film/alternative media fest going on in town these days, maybe I will try to find a screening to bask in. Work should be a little less physical today, I'm still a little drained from yesterday's marathon in the warehouse. I believe my buddy's guardian (you can interpret that as girlfriend, wife, mother, jailer, lord, tsar, owner, or whatever) is out of town so he will be reformatting his home as a house of ill repute and tempting me with all sorts of nefarious activities. Maybe I will head downtown and just chill somewhere with a book. It's starting to get cold, not sure if many more reasonable walk outdoor days are left. The homeless in this city must be tough as nails. I wonder if I could hack it.

Thursday, October 16, 2003

The Truth is in there

OK, I've been roaming around in blogspace and the whole while I was thinking how my blog is lacking in guts. I pay a lot of lip service to the grand ideals of self awareness, ego restraint, peace in the moment, and of course truth (this is a simple list, I tend to move on after I list three or four items). The "truth" is that the recognition of these fundamental things that truly make us human was a very recent occurrence for me. I sometimes wonder when I will "get over it" but just continue to realize that this is a lifelong journey. So I quit my job a year and a half ago. Sr. Design Engineer was the title. Integrated Circuit Design was the field. Semiconductor was the industry. A confused soul adrift in a sea of unenlightened egoists was I. My life philosophy was simple, I called it agnostic. It was basically I wont bother you if you don't bother me. The trouble was that the path that had led me to where I was involved more decisions based on what I thought a person in my situation should do rather than what I wanted or needed. I always associated effort and drive as the tools of the ungifted ladder climbers. I imagined an ideal world where everyone was immediately recognized and moved up in the world based on merit. Basically I was a self centered ass hole who lacked the will to take what he felt he deserved. Sufficient alcohol could on occasion remove the restraints and the pure egomaniac would emerge. I especially enjoyed to belittle the "ignorant". It is funny how we humans play this "us and them" game (funny being synonymous with absurd in my vocab these days). I never evaluated myself using the criteria that I used to judge others. So of course I was miserable. I medicated this state quite frequently with smoke* (I got this from a friend's blog and have decided to use the same terminology). It got to the point that my life seemed like an alternation between unrewarding intense long hours of work and some form of intoxication with friends. I lived in a different country from my family and really didn't keep in very close contact with them. I was very miserable. I had some very good friends even then so the situation wasn't rock bottom but I didn't see how I was going to make it any better. So I quit and moved back to Canada. It was a simultaneously humbling and liberating experience. It was the first time I ever deviated from the stable career path I put myself on back in highschool. It was insane. It was brilliant. I ended up being given the honour of being best man at a very close friends wedding and at the wedding started to feel returned affections from a beautiful kind hearted girl I had had a little crush on while living in the US. I could go into the details of what followed but I guess I'll just say that I fell for her in a way I had never fallen before. We never ended up together but I have a million fond memories of her and I took something incredibly valuable away with me: an understanding of what love truly is. I cannot argue with the fickle forces of fate that conspired against our relationship, but I am incredibly grateful for the knowledge of spirituality, respect, and universal perspective that I began to understand from my experiences with her. I regained a passion for music, art, literature, and poetry and gained a new perspective on religion. Things I never understood in life, and never admitted to myself that I didn't understand, now made sense to me. I reconnected with my family and am in the process of reconnecting with many of my old friends. Apparently there are lots of people just like me out there. I listened and listened to music, I read and read and read. I started out doing my own personal comparative study of religion, moved on to Philosophy, and haven't stopped yet. So this is why I now feel like Hamlet. I know what I need to do but I am still searching outside of myself. Of course there is more to it than I have written down on this page. I guess I am just so used to going with the flow where the fear of the future is minimal. So my current ideas (in no particular order) are such:
1. Get a job doing what I was doing and let my new life perspective make it bearable.
2. Keep working for the family business and live low stress, volunteer a little
3. Cash in remains of stock purchase plan and travel (Europe, Asia, Australia?)
4. Apply to film school
5. Apply to arts program in Philosophy/Literature split major
6. Apply to graduate engineering program (CAD soft. dev., BioEngineering neurons stuff)
7. Join some well intentioned NGO
8. Just start writing
9. Keep working on list of things to do without actually doing any of them.
The truth is that I'm not the happiest camper right now. I fear the future in a way I never used to. I feel the burden of choice rather than the shackles of fate and am scared. I despise admitting weakness. I love being real. So that is where I'm at. I unloaded two containers of heaters today at work so I guess this is the result of my peaceful manual labour meditation. Once again, more to come...

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

A swim in the shallow end

So what were we talking about tonight? Was it life? I think so. I know so. What is my non-selfish art. Motorcycle maintenance, can I just tinker around? Choice, choice, choice. I have to quote something I wrote "the oscillation above and below too fast too slow too profligate too meek too wacky too neat the rim and the seat her pill and my meat the performance and the treat the ones that you meet the spray with the deet delete" that's what I mean by the ringing. Octane. "eat the dime of my symbiotic absotronic phase induced field of wave dynamic proportion to the apex trough intersection" more on the ringing. "with a smile and a pre programmed bullshit contingency planned response that is your hash table of a personality and you believe in it like it was your world of worlds nonsense obviously to me at least" on the mask. I don't remember it all. I mentioned Camus, I mentioned Pushkin, I mentioned Hamlet, but with out backing it up with thought it was like dropping names. Quote the book? Quote the book of me why don't you. Was that you me or me you or you you or you me? Drop it on the table, put it out there, let it run free. What ever you wanted it to be. If my genes don't live on then let my memes take perpetual hold of all thinkers to come hereafter. Memetic systems, is that all we are? Does it converge on the answer, or is just asking the question enough? Time to come up for some air. But first; Camus for my favorite word, Absurd; Pushkin for unrequited love returned(trust me); and Hamlet for my own personal allegory.

Huxley on Shakespeare and Religion

Tuesday, September 30, 2003

from Nietzsche's Daybreak

"Woe to the thinker who is not the gardener but only the soil of the plants that grow in him!"

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Quote from Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

"The Bush family reeks of fraud and bad karma. But even worse than our wretched, gibbling president are the cowardly whores in Hollywood who are currently smearing film stars and music people like Johnny Depp by calling them unpatriotic Americans who righteously question the wisdom of invading a whole nation of Islam -- 1.8 billion worshipers -- which is a dangerously stupid idea. Disagreeing with Donald Rumsfeld about bombing anybody who gets in our way is not a crime in this country. It is a wise and honorable idea that George Washington and Benjamin Franklin risked their lives for. These thieves in the White House are so crazy with greed and power, and they are causing so much drastic damage to the world we live in, that they are the ones who should be put on trial for treason.

"OK, I am getting a little excited here, so I think I'll wrap this up quickly, before I spiral out of control and burst into flames. I am widely known as a pure-bred, natural-born patriot and a lover of what this country used to stand for. The Statue of Liberty wasn't out there for nothing. Beware of War Mongers. They don't give a hoot in hell if you live or die. They are in this racket strictly for themselves. Mahalo."

Thursday, September 18, 2003

Equilibrium to one

What is love
What is truth
What is me
Woe is me
Great tiger
Zebra stripes
Game theory unto others
Feel the loss of fee fie foe fum
Dumber than dumb
Has the battle begun
Equilibrium to one
Never for some
Mine please
Walking trees
Battleships on trips
Skis without knees
Lies without knowing
It's white
Tongue and groove
Drive from the back seat
Polly tweet
Red meat
Pound of flesh
Catch fish in the mesh
Wearing a pretty dress
Catch the apple
Spiral of nails
K’s castle
Absurd to a tea
You and me three
To be or to be
Corpus callosum
The broken router
Cleaning is endless
Becoming forever
Dreaming with popcorn no butter
You don’t understand but I’ll keep trying
Honest to dogma
Let go of the grip
Let her have a sip
Lets take a dip real skinny
Dry solvent plastic bag
Rhyme beaten melodious feel
Steal the wheel
Deal the hand but use the bard’s cards

Event Zero

So, this is my first stab at blogging. I guess I have to thank Solman for his enthusiastic promotion of blog potential. We'll just have to wait and see if I grab hold of this thing and make it a part of my life. Definately more to come...