Desintegración en la danza del granero

A moment of time where trying to stop
Allowed us to see something had started
Speaking of why we shouldn't
Allowed us to hear why we should
The empty feeling of separation
Demanded reunion
The cold concrete below us
Became a warm roadside huddle
And so the end was the beginning
Of constant reminiscing
And continual evolution

Matters of Trust

I have a strong attachment to people who matter to me.
Very few people come along and bring about that feeling.
When someone does, I start to fear the return to living without that feeling.
Most of my life has been lived without that feeling.
I get lost in the fear.
I forget what made them matter in the first place.
I begin to fear that I chose for them to matter.
If I don't trust my own feelings,
How can I tell myself I am capable of anything even resembling
Love

More Questions?

Do you ever question your motives?
Do you ever wonder if it is right or if you just really want it to be right?
Do you ever let what feels right to you matter more than what might be right for another?
Do you have trouble being without trying to be?
Do you know what you want?
Do you know how you feel?
Do you know why you feel?
Are your desires fueled by fear?
Can you ever be certain of anything?
How do you act in the face of uncertainty?
How do you trust with so many egos involved?

Bob's Remix Stuck in my Head

Sun is shining, the weather is sweet, yeah
Make you wanna move your dancing feet now
When the mornin´ gather the rainbow,
Want you to know, I'm a rainbow too
To the rescue, here I am
Want you to know, y'all, can you understand?
Sun is shining, the weather is sweet yeah
Make you wanna move your dancing feet now
When the mornin´ gather the rainbow,
Want you to know, I'm a rainbow too
To the rescue, here I am
Want you to know, y'all, can you understand?
Do you believe me? (x 5)
I'm a rainbow too (x 7)
But to the rescue, here I am
Want you to know just if you can, here I stand
To the rescue, here I am
Want you to know, y'all, can you understand?
[Sun is shining, the weather is sweet yeah
Make you wanna move your dancing feet now]
To the rescue, here I am
Want you to know, y'all, can you understand?
[When the mornin´ gather the rainbow,
Want you to know, I'm a rainbow too]

New and Empty

If full moons are the beginning of an end then new moons are an end and a beginning. Knowing what has just finished and what is to start isn't so intuitive, or perhaps it is if you allow it to be. Grappling with it keeps me awake at night wanting the answers rather than getting prepared for them to reveal themselves. I forgot how wanting things hurts so much keeping me reliving the past and anxious about the future. The present just feels a little empty at the moment. I must be missing something.

Fleeting Moments

I’m tired of trying, tired of wanting, tired of thinking, tired of hurting, tired of being tired. I once found a place within myself which accepted an apology for a pattern of disrespectful behaviour. It is that same place that aches when I am afraid; afraid of judgment, afraid others will suffer, afraid to lose her again. I listened to that place within quietly and patiently and felt a deep subtle and persistent shiver. An ever present tremble only perceived with diligent and vigilant observation. I can’t always feel it but I know it’s there. Every now and again it gets amplified to an appreciable level; an overwhelming fear that the peace, connection, wonder, and security will come to an abrupt end. I hate living in the fear. I fight it with pride but this also takes me away from the peace. Those feelings of love become fleeting moments. Then I remember to live in the peace, feel the connection, experience the wonder, and be certain of the security, but by then she is gone again. I try to pick up the pieces and put them back together a little more beautifully than before. Perhaps some day she’ll return.

Fresh pain

Focus on fresh pain
(Not ancient pain as a child
instinctively fearing primal sensation,
Not old pain as an adolescent
fearfully reacting to recognized experience,
Not new pain as an adult
reactively clinging to familiar habit,
But fresh pain as wisdom
impartially observing
the impermanence of body and mind,
the ignorance of certainty,
and the cyclic patterns of existence)
For just beyond awaits reality.

Simple Mindfulness

Almost two years ago I had a profound experience and as a subtle reminder to myself I added a link here on this blog under the "Listen" header on the sidebar. The link points to the lyrics to the song Don' t You (forget about me) by Simple Minds. These lyrics popped into my head around that time in my life and encourage me to remember. The memory I encourage myself to reconnect with is not one I can distill down to a catch phrase or linguistically expressible statement of truth. The memory is of an experience, of who really experienced it, and how it was experienced. The difficulty of remembering this experience is that the memory is not what was burned in abstracted neurological engrams but the raw input itself; the experiencer not a controlling part of this psyche but the distributed whole; and the experience not tainted by historical bias, or judgment but free of reactive duality. Thus the memory is not to be revisited to analyze the past or to plan for the future but only to remember that the present moment exists.