A Place to Grow

So I've been hanging out in southern Ontario for about a month now. My original plans got F'ed up by yours truly and a clear and present cash flow situation. I have thusly been seeking gainful employment rather than the volunteer work that had originally been sustaining me. There are a number of possible solutions that have presented themselves but I'm not sure how things are going to pan out. I may have found a little organic internship in Sterling, I may pick some corn for a while, I may sell my soul to Corporate enterprise. I'm heading to see if I can make the internship work tomorrow, wish me luck.

Bizness Unusual

I forgot how joyful sitting and waiting for a download using dial-up can be. It's giving me some time to contemplate I guess, not always sure if that is a good thing. I need money. I need a job. I need a good kick in the ass. The next time you feel the urge to sneeze try to observe the urge rather than give in to it. It's not always easy but easy is no fun anyways. How long is two years? Long enough I'd say. Or would I? Kritical.

Corporate Monoculture

Some days I sit here waiting for something to grab me. Some witty little paradox or pun or twist of words. I imagine making people think. I dream of being a life changing catalyst. But then once again my far reaching thoughts return to their usual preoccupation; themselves. Thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking... Makes me think of a Van Morrison lyric that goes something like "I love to love the love that loves to love..." I'm feeling a little bit of deja ecrit. Getting back to it; what is a worthwhile enterprise? I waned to discuss corporations using some religions metaphors. Employees are like clergy, customers like the congregation. If you didn't believe would you want to be a priest? If you didn't believe would you go to church? Maybe a military analogy would be better. If there were multiple armies and you were free to join up with any of them would you make the decision based on how much they paid you, what your responsibilities would be, and the liklihood of success in war or would you make your decision based on what they represented, what they fought for? Blah, blah, blah. People, politics, business, religion, family. Why do I think about this stuff? Why do I think about it here? I made black bean and sweet potato stew for dinner, it was tasty. Hempola? I wonder what Woody is up to right now.

I'm an Asshole

I don't know if I have mentioned it here before but I just thought I should tell you all that I am an asshole. Sometimes I see myself being an asshole and rather than do something about it I just watch it happen. This may not make sense but I sometimes think that being an asshole is a way of getting back at myself. A form of punishment, not meant for the recipient of the assholeness, aimed at myself. You may not understand me here or you may not understand why I am doing something but either way just think to yourself "Poor Sadistic Basard." As I've said before, don't take it personally.

Saturn Monkeys

OK, so I`m back in the city. I have taken a break from my travels to help my mother move. I have been meaning to update this thing with stories of my adventures but realized that recounting the intimate details of my life is not typically what I do here. So this is what you get instead:

When confronted with new situations do you have a tendency to rely on a crutch to get you through? Do you fall back on an old behavior pattern? An adult version of thumb sucking or a security blanket?

When trying to sleep on a bus, train, or plane do you allow yourself to become frustrated that you cannot get comfortable and cannot fall asleep or do you make your goal to be as relaxed and peaceful as possible given the circumstances.

If you believe that it is more important to be open and listen to other perspectives rather than forcing your own and you meet someone who you consider to be closed and unable to listen to other perspectives wouldn`t it be best to practice rather than preach and lead by example.

Hitchhiking is a wonderful life lesson.

Your life when considered without a boundary is probably not sustainable. What are you doing about that?

Where are you in your Saturn cycles?

Do you try to medicate or understand your pain? If you can`t feel your pain do you believe it is gone?

Do you know how far you can walk in eight hours? Could you walk for eight hours?

Are you a culture/philosophy/religion of many or of one?

Do you believe in possibilities beyond your belief or do you believe only in your belief?

How do you define success?

Do you know who you are or only who you think you should be?

Do you always get what you want or do you only want what you know you can get?

Are you fighting for what you believe or against everything else?

Try not to think about monkeys for five consecutive minutes.

Thursday

Dinner was nice last night. The owner of the café was not there so I’m not sure if we got the truly authentic version of the meals we ordered. I was roped into eating chicken, the texture of which seemed like it was canned meat. Marcelle looked through my WOOFing book and gave me some advice on where I should go next. She told me that she is no longer going through Moncton so she is going to drop me off in Fredericton instead. I’m gong to stay at a hostel and think about either heading out on Saturday or Sunday for Moncton. Marcelle and I had some great conversations and I found myself opening up to her and sharing some intimate details of my childhood. It was really nice. This morning I headed out early so that I could have breakfast at Gene’s and avoid any unnecessary curiosity. Today we weeded, rock picked and planted some sunflowers. Jordan left at lunch. In the afternoon we planted some chives and then I helped Matt replant some potatoes for a little experiment of his regarding mound height and girth. I cut my fingers a little while cutting some tin for garden signs. Marcelle came by to pick up the whole foods coop supplies for her house and asked if I was coming by tonight. I told her that I was probably going to be staying here to take care of some business with planning, packing, and whatnot. She was not happy but had a difficult time expressing it. She’s no Annabelle. I got an email form my mother today asking if I could be home to help her move at the end of June. It actually fits into my plans quite well. I hope she’s OK. I was thinking about smoking and drinking at various points today. I need to observe these feelings, I’ve got a lot of them going right now.

Crowganic Experience

Hey Kids!!! I'm still alive, doing a little WWOOFing here in New Brunswick. I'm just about finished my first two week placement and am going to be touring a little before my next organic farm volunteering stop in Nova Scotia. I'm not sure exactly where I am going but I am going to try to get it worked out tonight. I've been making entries for the blog but I have not been able to connect with my laptop yet. Soon soon, you shall know all, and trust me, there is much to know. If you want to check out where I am go to www.fallsbrookcentre.ca. I'll be back soon.

Wednesday

Last night I stayed home and tried to meditate and think about what I was going to do with myself for the next few weeks. As you can tell I still have these moments of emptiness. I am questioning if a short term relationship is the best idea, if it fits into my current value system, if it is … whatever. It rained all day and got really hard and cold in the afternoon. I was asked to go out for dinner in Florenceville at the Baghdad Café. It will be nice to get out.

Tuesday

I kicked the power cord on my computer and lost the fist version of this post. What can you do? Last night we all went over to Sally’s place for burritos and beer and were entertained with a tour of her farm. She has like three hundred acres and raises chickens and turkeys, grows apples, oats, and hey, her son runs a small paint ball operation, she has a small maple syrup setup, and she has a red pine log cabin on the hill for the view. I left early to hangout at the old stone mill in the marsh and watch the beaver lodge for some activity. There was none, but there was some good company. When I was walking in to work this morning my sort of boss here drove by and gave us a lift. She looked at me sideways and asked how I had gotten out to the Simms house so early in the morning. I told her there was a transporter accident. Today I spent a lot of time with the new WOOFer Jordan. He works for something called Katimavik or something like that. He is very inquisitive and we had a good conversation about life in general. I’m feeling a little low right now, haven’t quite put my finger on it just yet. I think I am having trouble with my inability to connect with these people in the way I believe I should or the way I wish I could. I’m just having trouble accepting myself for who I am and that makes me less than myself. I don’t know. As with my work here I have planted a lot of seeds but have yet to see any growth. All the action remains below the surface. There has been a lot of talk around here about the last frost on the coming full moon. I think I will be happy to be done with the frost for this spring.

Monday

I stayed home last night and it was a little cold. Stayed up playing cards again, makes me think of that Van Morrison song Madame George for some reason. Invited out for dinner tonight, should be good.

Sunday

So I spent the night at the Simms house again last night. How I manage to get myself into these strange and awkward situations I do not know. I like to call it my chaos magnet. Rode home at around one o’clock this afternoon and took a little nap. Took care of a little laundry this afternoon and was trying to dry my clothes outside under overcast conditions with intermittent drizzle. Its all hanging in my room now, it’s almost dry. I made some lentil soup for the crew here for dinner. It was alright, nothing spectacular. I keep putting off planning my next WOOF placement and getting my dial up to work. I realized that the numbers I have for access from Moncton or St. John are long distance numbers. I was going to try to use the dial up access that they have going here but I don’t know the access password. I could ask but I don’t expect them to trust me with it. I would really like to get this stuff on the web, still deciding if I will create a new blog or if I will just use the one I currently have. I should come up with titles for these entries, that is always fun. I haven’t started writing the book, perhaps I will begin tonight. I may get a lift from Marcelle on Friday to a larger city center that I can begin my roaming-between-WWOOF-placements-travel from. A new WOOFer just showed up, Jordan from Edmonton. He caught me here typing away sucking down power to play my Mushroom Jazz accompaniment. I think it is tea time, the honey they have here is to die for and I have been using it to sweeten my teas. Mmmmmm.

Saturday

OK, very interesting party. Many of the people I have met over the past week were there, young and old alike. A new guy, Sam the son of Elaine, was also there. We were playing games, drinking, dancing, eating, and Sam proved to be another practitioner of my ancient art. I ended up relearning a few dance steps that I learned down in Costa Rica with Marcelle. A few of us stayed up to the wee hours of the morning and I ended up staying the night. She reminds me a little of Annabelle. I was quite hung over today. A bunch of us went for a little hike up to the lookout to help burn off the excess from the night before. Nice view. Adam and I biked over to the Simms house to watch the hockey game. Sam was there.

Friday

So today I covered the rest of the prepared beds at Simms road with straw and then finished off weeding and preparing the rest of them. The black flies were out, really getting to me at times. They seem to really like my ears, the itching is truly a test of my equanimity. I’m all showered up and ready to go to the party. I’m not sure what to expect but it is a good crew here and I’m sure it will be a good time.

Thursday

So last night I hung out with Adam from BC, need I say more. I got to know him and this guy Matt a little better. Matt is from Kirkland. He is Polish and reminds me of Yakoff Smirnoff. Simon, one of the full timers in charge of forestry stuff, stopped by with a Keith’s in hand and sat down with us to play some cards. I was pretty quiet and the conversation stayed simple and related to the game of gin. This morning I helped Sally build a little bridge across a stream and to clear up some paths with a chain saw. This afternoon we were back to the Simms road garden. I planted some yellow peas of some sort, prepared some more beds, covered them with compost and then some straw, and of course I did some more weeding. I took Alan and Matt along the path I was introduced to this morning and almost got us lost. Alan showed me the path to the waterfall in the woods. It was quite fantastic. The whole thing is covered with moss and faces west so in the late day sun it was really incredible to look at. I love the soothing white noise of falling water. If Alan had not been with me I would have sat and absorbed it for a longer time. I’m going to try to get these posts onto the web tonight. I just heard Ali call us for dinner. Later.

Wednesday

Finished weeding the big organic CSA garden today. I was good and muddy so I rinsed off my boots and rain pants with the hose and took a nice shower. Dinner is being cooked tonight by Portia, the vegan no wheat girl. I overheard her talking to a boyfriend who had very recently become an ex-boyfriend last night. I tried not to eavesdrop but you can’t always control what subject gets your attention. There is going to be a party this weekend at the Simms house which is where a number of the full-timers live. They claim it will be like no party I have ever been to. Should be interesting. It has been cold around here and I have been very happy to have my sleeping bag and little fleece blanket with me. This place has had a few little tours of school kids come through. It has been nice to see the enthusiasm of the people who work here. They seem to really believe in what they are doing. Who knows how much new information I have processed or how many new thought tangents my mind has wandered down since I have been here. I look forward to many more.

Tuesday

So I’ve been working in three gardens so far. The Simms road garden, Gene’s garden, and the certified organic CSA garden. Mostly weeding, setting up chicken wire fences for the peas to grow up, seeding some beds with herbs, laying straw, raking rocks. I was so tired when I finished at five that I had to take a little shut-eye. There are lots of people here; full timers, interns, other woofers, management, help. I’m still working on that list of names. I’m enjoying hearing the fascinating stories of these people and their lives. Breakfast and lunch are eaten up at the main house and dinner is in my little cabin with the interns. My house is known as the Cheerio as it was some sort of motel at some point in it’s past. The sign above the door says “The Smurf House” which I feel is more appropriate. I went for a fairly long walk after dinner and explored a few of the many trails that start here and head up into the woods. I walked over some little man made bridges and sat and relaxed on a hand crafted wooden bench that was made from twigs and branches rather than planks or boards. When I got back I sat down and drew a little picture of my room.

Fallsbrook Day One

OK, so I made it to New Brunswick. The long bus ride started at 7:30pm yesterday night in Beaconsfield and ended at 8:55am eastern time in Florenceville, NB. The ride offered little sleep to this weary traveler due to tight space, a somewhat unwelcome seatmate for the first half of the trip, and a racing mind that was little interested in focusing on the soothing in and out of my natural breath. My ride Andrea was there within ten minutes of my arrival, enough to give me a slight case of the worries but not enough to cause any real panic. The day has been long, it still feels like yesterday. I did some weeding of a small berry garden and a larger vegetable garden, had a wonderful lunch and participated in a pot lunch dinner. I helped make some apple crisp so as not to show up empty handed. I’d go into more detail but I am very tired and need to meditate for a bit before I go to bed. My allergies seem to be bothering me but it may just be that cold I was suffering from or simply a lack of sleep. I’ll finish here by trying to remember as many names as I can. Andrea, Alan, Alli, Liz, Anne, Marcelle, Danielle, Sheila, Tegan, Leland, Leona, Katherine, Shasha, Wayne, Mike, Mike’s wife, Raylene, Gene, Elaine, Sam, Conny, Burle, Michael, Simon, Portia, Adam, Sara, Laurie, Matt, Sally, Jordan.

Peaceful Volunteering

Got back from the meditation centre last night. What a great way to spend two weeks. I was volunteering there for the spring work period. They were building a number of cabins in the woods and I got to help with some of the basic physical labour of carrying and shoveling and with some drywall cutting and initiating. I spent most of the time working in the kitchen preparing healthy hearty vegetarian meals for a crew of up to thirty and of course cleaning up afterwards. I can't describe the feeling of working with people who were all working for the greater good rather than their own. When there were problems we found solutions rather than someone to blame. When there were decisions to be made we tended towards consensus rather than relying on a leadership hierarchy. There were high levels of trust and responsibility. I learned and grew while I was there. Meditating using a technique aimed at eliminating blind reactions and seeing things as they truly are for three hours a day acted as a catalyst in the growth process. I met so many good people who I was able to share some of myself with in return for a bit of their selves. I helped out with a children'ss meditation course and was awed by the energy. Heading to New Brunswick on Sunday night for my next adventure, perhaps somewhere along the way I will try to capture some of my deeper thoughts, I've got plenty of them. All I'll say is that I have experienced something more than an intellectual understanding of the world beyond what I think I am and I am ready to experience more. An old friend is back in town, it will be good to see him before I leave. Time to go see an epic with my little brother.

Packing Forever

It's been tough filtering everything I have down to what I can carry. Thank goodness herself that I have access to a warehouse to leave my stuff in. No Buddha gonna tell me I can't have my stuff. I bought these granite gear compressor bags from the base camp store down the road, they certainly do compress stuff. N'stuff. I'm worried I don't have room for my runners. Hmmmm. Where there's a will ... There could have been a willy. I slept in the tent last night right here in the basement. I'm like a kid, I hope, (you wish old man), who said that? This computer is going in the bag, the old one is going upstairs for the family. I'm sure it will be the centerpiece of many many argumentsand control struggles in the near future. I wasn't here for the software transfer. Don't get me started about this computer. I think she snores.

Prime Again

I just realized that I'm prime again. Perhaps this holds some significance. I was trying to think if years 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, or 23 play a more important role in my history. I remember thinking for several years that 23 was the ideal age (this line of thought only began once I was no longer 23). I will assume that prime years are significant in order to reap the rewards of a self fulfilling prophecy.