Sunday, November 30, 2003
Yesterday I participated in the dinner meal with the family but just didn't eat the sweet and sour pork chops and added some split pea soup instead. I at least piggybacked on the veggies and rice. I ended up going out with a couple of buddies last night. It was weird not drinking. We started out at a little Belgian restaurant in the village. They were drinking Stella's and I was drinking green tea. I think that the hardest part of committing to something for me is sharing that choice with others. So many people want you to explain and justify yourself. Do you need to be able to verbalize your motivations? It makes me think of children who answer you with just "because." They have yet to try to understand themselves and thus their actions need no justification. They are not acting as part of some elaborate scheme, they simply are what they are. We ended up at a club of sorts. I played wallflower and felt strangely detached from the whole scene. I often feel anxious in a situation like that. I used to just smoke more and drink more thinking that I should be trying to meet people and loosing myself in the situation. Without the smoke and drink I was much more aware of these feelings. Constantly comparing myself to everyone else and wondering why I wasn't doing what this guy or that guy was doing. Envy, jealousy, self loathing, lust, and prejudice all running through my body while being overly aware of the external presentation of myself. I really feel out of balance these days, not that it is something new but I am just much more aware of it. I still spend far too much time outside of myself; thinking and thinking and thinking. I can feel it as a grip inside my head that will not loosen up. This is the feeling I want to address with meditation. This is my ego refusing to recognize the feedback from the controls. I'm working on it.