Saturday, January 17, 2004

Freudian Slip on the Ice

I realized that I feel like a child in my father's presence. We haven't moved the relationship completely over to an adult relationship. I still submit to him almost completely. I don't always speak up when I disagree with him. I am overly concerned about what he will think about my workmanship, my choices, my life. I've somehow returned to the psychological age of thirteen.

When I was three my parents divorced and my mom left the home. I believe this resulted in the stifling of my Id development. The whole split up process probably started before I was three so perhaps I was fixated at various stages. Oral, anal, and phallic stage fixation resulting from both frustration and overindulgence all seem to carry symptoms that ring true in me.

I then built my Superego up in my father's image mostly rejecting the value system of my mother. At thirteen my fathers choices regarding mate selection, job selection, and behavior tolerance went against my image of his values and thus my Superego development was cut off from his guidance.

So my Ego continued on with a three year old Id who sucked on bottles and cigarettes like they were thumbs and a thirteen year old Superego who believed his concepts of right and wrong were the be all and end all of morality. My Ego also had to deal with an overbearing step-mother which only helped to school himself in the techniques of Ego defense, particularly denial, intellectualization, rationalization, repression, and finally regression.

Thirteen years later the setup failed so I transferred power to a dormant Superego based on my mother's system of morality and removed power from my Id altogether. That failed resulting in a return to hedonistic "thumb" sucking.

I am currently allowing both Superego systems to merge into one and grow on its own. The resultant system is proving to posses the best of both of my parents and elements not present in either.

I am also working on developing a relationship with my mature Id to understand my needs. It has involved gradual elimination of inputs in order to determine the essentials. There is a fair amount of healing time required in this process to make up for the past.

So this is why I feel like I am thirteen and three yet neither. I feel like I am finally going to begin evolving beyond my parents value systems and interpreting my emotions and bodily urges. Hopefully once my Id and Superego have matured sufficiently to reassume their responsibilities my Ego can offload his extra baggage and get back to his true purpose; maintaining the equilibrium.

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