Monday, January 12, 2004

How did we get to the Glue Factory?

My parents were divorced when I was very young. There were some strange circumstances involved that led to me witnessing some strange behavior. I don't know how it affected me. I have only been able to imagine that it would have a bad effect. I remember throughout my childhood being very aware of myself. Overly aware. I picked my actions and words very carefuly. Everything in life was a game of strategy, who to talk to, what to say, who to be. I didn't know who I was. All I knew was that I was good at things. I was athletic, intelligent, and creative. I had a strong sense of empathy to the point of being completely selfless. I always felt like I was different. I always hated myself for not being how everyone else seemed. Girls used to tell me that I was stiff and walked like a robot. I feared saying hello to someone and getting a "why are you talking to me" look in return. I feared responding to someone who seemed to be talking to me because they might just be talking to someone behind me. I always had a crush on someone but never had the guts to do something about it. There were often girls who were interested in me that I was not willing to even entertain as friends. I didn't allow myself to have any feelings of my own, only those of other people. Sometimes I talked to my sister about these things but rarely. My Father was cold. My mother didn't live with us. I saw her once a week and with that setup it is hard to get past superficial stuff, especially when the wall you were hiding behind was built to deal with the fact that you didn't have a normal family. Once I realized that my family situation was different from many other peoples I used it to build my ego. I was tough. I could handle things. Nothing phased me. I became my father. That is how he dealt with it so that is how I dealt with it. I had a fast horse so I rode him fast, didn't think too much about where we were going. So here I am. The horse is tired and sick and I'm not sure where we are. I know he is getting better and will get us back to our path.

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