Indistinguishably Fresh

Every day I wake up fresh
Which depending on my mood
Might mean being quite stale.
The burden of choice only recognized
When I chose outside of my pattern;
A choice to be made noticed
Or long ago choice remembered.
Regular surrender to the status quo,
Usually,
Except for right now
Except for right here.
I can feel creativity swirling inside
Certainly everything I’ve tried
Was necessary but not sufficient.
Mine the past for a new trajectory,
Hypothesize being wise
And experiment my effect.
A patience virtuoso
Rushing cautiously to the starting line.
My own private Frankenstein
Living proof of life
Indistinguishable from the rest.

The Ignorance Between

Here is my mind
Here is my body
Each a specific
instance of the other
Thought of feeling
Feeling of thought
Pain of fear
Fear of pain
Love of lust
Lust for love
I can't explain it
I can barely feel
myself think

Hypocrisy

It's almost that time of year for me to remind myself of what I know and refresh the faculties of insight. My yearly Mecca which started at Suttama and continued at Surabhi is looking to be at Dhara this coming January. Submitting the application is part of a clarity that is coming over me. Perhaps I will once again walk the walk that I so love to talk.

I am the Wind

Anticipating gust and gale
Knowing when to trim the sail
Flowing on the crest of time
Trying to evoke sublime.

I am the Wind, I am not me
I live by watching myself see
Allowing now to feed what will
While letting full to self refill.

Valuations of the past
Firmly set can be recast
Not by implement of rule
The Wind, not I, must be the tool.

Duality must reunite
Abandoning the flight and fight
By being present and aware
Mindful now and everywhere.

The will can only be a guide
It cannot force a change inside
It is a branch and not the root
It must surrender absolute.

This Wind is not a thing but all
And understanding is too small
To comprehend in just one place
The entirety of time and space.

I am the Wind, I am not me
This experience sets me free
Pride and Fear have me undone
But not when Wind and I are one.

Excerpts from a Drawing

Intertwined with
independence and connected
to every nothing and making sense
of the eternity of limited fields of
fatigue soaked long johns and marshmallow
suppers with grassy hills and glassy villes
Regret for choices imagined permanent and
consequences to die for when addiction spans
and consumes causing writhing confusion within
concerning promises made and continuously broken
Exhausted energy cycles spiral wastefully away
as genuine souls deplete infinite wells
of grounded reality as they come
and go and take and leave
intangible measures of
moments and sublime
time.

Around and around we go. Pain. Anticipate pain. Know pain. Embrace pain. Love pain.
And go and go and go. Fear. The lesson of pain is a lesson in fear. Same same.
This time. This time. This time. This time we will
make the leap, make the
discovery, make the
connection, make
love.

What needs to be said?
Who are you angry at?
Don't be so hard on yourself.

Oh joy. Why am I so happy?
Is it real or
Just imagined
Wishful
Narrow minded
Hope?

Void
filled with nothing
overflowing with
the rest and
made complete
by saying
so

Necessary and sufficient
Absolute and absolutely
Happy Happy Happy

I can't believe
I can't deceive
I can't relieve
I can't grieve
I can't leave.

A story
that begins
with the end,
has no middle,
and goes nowhere
but here, written by
the protagonist, edited
by the devil, and
it's a best seller.

Resourceful Partnership

Do you think what you feel and feel what you think? Do you know what you sense and sense what you know? Are you being what you are? New is hard. I need a guide. A mentor. A friend. A partner. A fool. I dream of clarity. I long for peace. I work for sustainability. My dreams are cloudy. My desires are conflictual. My labour is depleting. Trying too hard as usual.

Got it?

The strength to speak.
The power to listen.
The ability to consider.
The resources to act.
The will to endure.

Wrong Again

I'm wrong again; mistaken myself from where I might have been. I fail to see. I fail to be. I. The dam, the dykes they will succeed. To break. Down will fall. Flow and know. We've done this all before.

Kundalini Crisis for my dear Mother

I don't remember, can't recall
I wonder where how deep the wall.
The albatros invited me
Event sequentiality.
Open source about to dawn
Of the sudden Kubla Khan.
Alergetic there not here
Pulsing; aching; running: fear.
Step on a crack, Karma's back
Keep on paying all the year.

Produce Productive Products

Does I get in the way of true productivity?
Can the million shades of grey be continuously experienced?
Come back to the matter at hand;
The infinite shades of grey are continuously experienced
By the infinite observers of shades of grey
And observer observers ...
Peek-a-boo doesn't really make the rest of the world disappear.
I believe in everything
Inside out.

Reclaiming Together

Twice as old again;
What more will be learned in a lifetime?
Too early or too late?
Technological syncronicity:
I learned it, I heard it, I shared it, he dismissed it,
I saw it, I thought it, they made it, he wants it.
Why now? Critical mass?
To what end?
Reclaiming what has been lost.
Reclaiming what would be lost.
Who says your vision of propriety should rule?
Perhaps Bad is better than Good; it inspires Better.
The cold frost may hinder ripening.
The warm sun may enhance flavour.
Still playing by their rules.
I accept sufficiently.
I will create an island in the storm.
I will bring it all together.

Breathe

Swim to the surface and breathe every now and again; I highly recommend it. The depths out of which you came will seem silly; an interesting game with limited scope. Like awaking from a dream. See it for what it is. At least try. Be careful you might not like what you find. The ocean below is murky and polluted. You will have to go back in and trust that you can remember the clean air above. Memory fades, morphs, and consumes itself. The dream calls reality imagination and the surface is soon a distant moment of mystery. Hold on by not grabbing hold. You never really left.

Flutter

You stare at it waiting to see it disappear but realize that it only changes. Morphing from one frequency to another. Moving a little deeper and a little to the left. Old and new. One becomes many and every now and again many becomes one. The realization of what is not being felt is as interesting as what is takes hold. Waterfalls out of your hands and feet, mostly feet. Let it flow, let it flow. You exist in the peripheral. You feel the fear of the unknown mystery in your solar plexus and witness it turn to a deep respect. You stop breathing for a long moment without holding it; a simple act of unwilling. So much sensation all at once. You don't move your attention but expand it; grow it; let it. Envelop. A flame roars up your spinal column and the backdraft flows down the backs of your legs and swirls across your shins before it trickles over and around your feet. Connections: Toe to ear, neck to back, finger to chin, shoulder elbow blade and belly. Synaptic sync. Your eyebrows tense and tingle while waves of energy flow across the surface of your skull and down your back. Your mind remains calm and aware. Life dances on and within and you are awe.

Contraction

There aren't words for the boundary of what isn't.
Imagine an artificial sinus to replace the perpetual complaints; lungs as fearless as I pretend to be; a cybernetic knee that can take care of itself; a medical system of conveyer belts and every test known to man with passive participants and every required remedy administered.
Perfectly impersonal diagnosis and treatment.
Postulate the roots of ailments.
Magic pills and quick fixes.
Symptom alleviation.
Collateral creation.
Name it to make it distinct.
Complete control until we must disown a part of ourselves.
Civil war vs. negotiation of peace.
It's going to take a meltdown to melt it down.
Iron fisted certainty.
Flow.
One thing or all things.
Unwilling.
Where do you feel? Who do you think? What do you live?
Focus your ears on subtlety.
Mind your manner.
Feed what you need.

Expansion

Point of light
Mass of nerves
Contents of a membranous skin
Ghost
Magic
Here but not there
Everywhere
Mystery
Answer
Friend
Node of the aether
Finger of time
Moment of space
Infinite essimal
Eleusive
Alluring
Cold shiver
Warm tingle
Constant
Right here
Write now

Perhaps Tomorrow

I awake with a quiver inside
A whisper of attentive vibration
I am too tired and busy to listen
A whisper of preventative insight
I roll and turn away in search of peace and rest
A whisper of orientation and direction
I rouse myself with obligations and habit
A whisper of fresher possibilities
I remember that I forget to remember
A whisper of a deeper connection
I listen as best I have known
A clamor of thought
Perhaps tomorrow
Perhaps tomorrow

What the means means

The means is the end.
The means is the end.
The means is the end.
The means.

Where is the deficiency?

Is it always over there
Is it always in them
Is it ever right here
Do you scream at the emptiness and bombard with echo
Do you create a void to fill another
Are you aware enough to triangulate
Do you think to know
Do you know to think
How does it feel in between already and eventually
Conservation depletion
Quenched at the source
Catch it happening
Under your nose
Spectral analysis
Full of yourself

Every Day

I feel invisible threads disolve
and discover ones I didn't know.
I revel in beautiful weakness
and bring a new flow to bare on
previously concealed rough edges.
I am my shackles to undo.
I say what I believe to be
and know it is untrue.
I do what I emote is right
yet absolutely wrong.
I push and pull what I have built
or resisted building strong.
I hold, I grip, I turn away
yet bare to watch myself.
I face, release, I watch and play
It happens all at once.
Simultaneacrimoniagitarious;
The centre and eternity;
The now and evermore before.
I'm quite and rightly certain
what will happen is in store;
Is profecized in legacy
and predicted by the next
The former previous to come
is never always now.

Stuck in My Head

You slip out of your depth and out of your mind,
With your fear flowing out from behind

Back to the Future

Just had a nice conversation with an older gentleman who was born and raised in the area. He had numerous stories about how things used to be. He reminded me of my uncle who used to share stories about Port Hope Ontario. It has gotten me thinking once again about the fact that on many fronts true progress will be going backwards. Back to strong local communities; back to local sustainability; back to community loyalty. Not necessarily back to exactly how things were but definately back to some of the values that have been lost over time.

True Cost Accounting

People do not see what I see. My self evident is not. Is it necessary and sufficient? How big is your little picture? I have seen that form perform; encore? Correlation indication? Require to inspire? Only if paid in full concurrency.

Core Values?

Diversity of cultures, ideas, perspectives, genetics, species, ecosystems. Variety and dynamism (Uniformity and variability in space and time).
Intimacy with ourselves, others, nature; with the source of what we use and those affected by our actions. Closeness and familiarity (proximity and frequency of connections)
Awareness of thoughts, feelings, experiences, creations, capabilities, limitations; in ourselves and others; now and throughout history. Breadth, depth, and concurrency (scope and simultaneity of consideration).
Honesty to oneself and to others. The whole truth. Sincerity and transparency (Communication and availability of information).
Cooperation of mind and body, of people, of groups of people, of humanity and nature. Harmony, acceptance, collectivity (nature and purpose of interactive behavior).
Equality of all living things great and small. Balance and universality (Availability and accessibility of resources).
Beauty as the intangible awareness of quality. Aesthetic quality and the sublime experience. (The objective and subjective perception of balance and proportion of core values).

I am Rubber you are Glue

I have a tendency to use a wide range of language to express myself. I use old expressions and cliches in such ways as to laugh at the absurdity of them. I have recently found myself surrounded by people who don't see things the same way as I do. It is refreshing to be challenged on some of these things. I will try to express my feelings on the matter here.

Words can never be inherently good or bad; only intention and interpretation involve this dualistic value system. People have such difficulty distinguishing between interpretation, intension, and actuality. What I mean, what I say, and what you hear are rarely the same.

Comedy helps remind us that these differences exist. The absurd is often used to disarm rather than reinforce. The butt of many a great piece of humour is the individual who takes everything too seriously. Political correctness is not the answer. Laughter is the answer. You are in control of your reaction.

Personally I feel that the moraly self righteous are a far greater threat to this world than any words could ever be.

Meditation Clarification

It has come to my attention that there exist some common misconceptions of the art of meditation. One is that meditation is all about not thinking or not feeling and another is that it is an escape to a blissful place. I will attempt here to give my perspective and hopefully clarify the issue.

Meditation to me is a process of progressively facing a truer reality. This process is a personal training regimen to allow the transcendence of the shackles of craving, aversion, and ignorance. Meditation is not confined to sitting quietly: any act of living with awareness and a focus on increasing awareness is meditation. Meditation is simply living true.

The image that meditation is about not thinking is flawed. My meditation involves the process of observing my thought and my reaction to it. Only through this awareness of my mind can I understand that I am not my thoughts and must not allow myself to be enslaved by them; my mind is but a tool for my consciousness.

Thus the quieting of the mind is not so much a goal of the process but a result. Experiencing my thought as it is encourages my mind to begin submitting to my consciousness and to the acknowledgment that its control of the show has been an illusion hard fought to maintain.

Once my mind has begun to become silent the process can begin to focus on my body. As with the observation of my thought, the gradual increasing awareness of my bodies sensations (which thought is simply a special instance of) or feelings and my reaction to them allows me to understand that I am not my body and must not allow myself to be enslaved by its conditioned responses; my body is but a tool for my consciousness.

Thus the image of dulling of emotional responses as a result of meditation is inaccurate. The process of meditation is focused on sharpening emotional response moving away from blunt generalized reactions and moving towards detailed specific experiences of life.

The problem with the blissful escape image is that it does not capture the difficulties of the journey. Coming face to face with a truer version of yourself hurts. The process of transcendence hurts. The come down from excess hurts. As in nature, rebirth is fueled by decay and destruction. The process continues. Once you have accepted a new perception of yourself you realize that there is a deeper truer self to confront.

The results of the journey are a broader, higher, and deeper understanding; an acknowledgement of a connection to something greater than one's own conception of being; and an increased interest in how things are rather than how they seem.

Earth Day

Just got back from driving a big blue bus across the province and back. I met lots of great people and felt that I was treated like a very welcome authority and celebrity. So much so that I didn't feel worthy. I got to talk to the media, share myself with the public, and hear countless stories from people who are trying to make a difference in the world by making small changes in their own lives.

Phase Change

Do you know that overwhelming feeling of experiencing that which will elude understanding for some time; who's spoken silence will only be heard from another phase; when the significance of the moment outstretches your imagination. The stirring torrent of mystery that you feel lapping at your insides. Fear and anticipation. The trembling struggle at the fringe. Connections transcending preconceived possibilities. Solidity giving way to a fluttering of chaos; the turbulent dynamic transition to a new consistency. Transient. Elusive. Suddenly empty.

The Juggler

Are you active or reactive? How can you explain the value of planning to a knee jerk personality? Does an outline have to restrict spontaneity? Does the ability to juggle twenty-five balls at once demand that you do? Do you treat the people around you as only means to your ends? Do you interpret the suggestion of a potentially better way as criticism of your way? Do you file your email into folders or just have thousands of them sitting in your inbox?

Wind Energy

How often do you remind yourself that you don't know what you are? How attached are you to the idea that you do?

I seem to be allowing myself to get caught up in tornados of chaos and finding it difficult at times to remain at the calm center of my storm. Frequent visits help me to keep tabs on its location as it does not remain in one place for very long.

I sometimes try to stop the wind rather than flow with it. I deplete my reserves in the resistance rather than recharging through generation. Energy can be transformed. Energy can be transmitted. Energy can transmit. Energy can transform.

We've got us surrounded.

Bucky Equilibrium

Updated this and this. Any feedback?

Energy Renewal

So I've been at the new job for a week now. My new title is Renewable Energy Program Coordinator. My plate is full but there are lots of great people around to help. Check out some of the new links over on the side. I hope everyone is doing well.

The Horror, the Horror, the Horror

Something that I have uncovered in my experience of this life is that pain and fear are one and the same. They are reactions to the unknown, felt at boundaries of experience that have never been crossed. Some of these reactions are inborn, some learned, but all may be overcome. Some passionately jump blindly into the unknown: others justify never crossing the boundary at all. As with all things in life, pains and fears should be respected, but never obeyed.

On the Road

Back to the drive. Just one last leg until I reach my destination, for now at least. My father warns of big snow: I should probably check that out. Getting packed has been an experience yet again. I'm just getting over a little new moon flu; it was nice to be sick, very cleansing. Well, enough jibber jabber. I'll try to keep in touch.

In Love Again

Two years ago I had what those of you in consensus reality might refer to as a religious experience. It was brought on by a self imposed abstinence from a number of personal habits, long hours of introspective manual labour, and a strong desire to understand the beliefs of someone I felt very passionately towards. It was an epiphany of love turned inwards and ironically towards everyone and everything.

I spent a whole year trying to understand this moment of clarity. I built this understanding on the foundation of my understanding of christianity, a belief system I had disregarded for an agnostic stance early in my childhood. I refined this understanding through comparative religious, philosophical, and poetic studies. The more I read the further I got from the actual experience that started the whole journey in the first place.

I began searching for the key to how I felt shortly after the experience. I wanted back what I had briefly glimpsed and lost. I knew this was the only goal of any true value. I tried abstinence, I changed eating habits, I exercised, I hid from the world. I searched everywhere outside of myself. I knew deep down that it was love that set me free but I had no idea how. I had lost faith when I lost the woman I loved. I didn't know how to get back there by myself.

I eventually became interested in meditation as I had had good experiences with prayer after the experience. Not prayer to a god off somewhere in the distance but prayer to that part of myself that was beyond my comprehension and connected to the universe in a way I can only begin to understand. I remembered a connection with myself that I hoped I could make again. It was then that I came across Vipassana on the internet and signed up for a ten day course the next day. I had never met anyone who had taken a course but I knew that it was what I was meant to do.

My first course, which began exactly one year after my first moment of clarity, gave me another glimpse. It allowed me to experience much of what I had been reading about over the previous year and solidified my understanding by extending its foundation beyond my intellect. It gave me a technique to use to continue to deepen my understanding. It changed my life not by indoctrinating me with a particular belief system but by giving me an environment and a method to experience myself.

As with my first experience, as time passed my focus was on an intellectual understanding of the experience and the connection I had made with myself weakened. I spent another year continuing to struggle with myself but I had broken free and was on the path to find out. I understood my experiences enough that I knew my answers were not intellectual ones anymore.

I tried to meditate and I tried to maintain awareness forgetting that these are not things you force yourself to do but things you allow yourself to do. Letting go is not accomplished by willing but by unwilling. Over the year I was reminded of this over and over and over again. I learned lesson after lesson. I faced many pains from the past. I got sucked into many old black holes of despair. Each time I clawed myself out I was a little bit stronger.

The last one was the original one; self respect. I picked myself up, brushed myself off, and decided to go back for another ten day course. My goal this time was not to understand but to reconnect. This last time through, one year after the first course and two years after the original experience, was hard. I hit a wall that I knew I needed to walk through but that would require a toll. I crumbled and begged like a child; I acknowledged the past; I promised to always treat myself with the respect I know that I deserve. I loved myself again. This wasn't a verbal dialog, this was communication at a purer level. This was genuine unconditional love.

From that point on I have been connected again. The release I experienced and continue to experience from this connection is unexplainable. I meditate two hours a day and that connection continues to grow stronger. I remain aware of the connection as continuously as possible. We're working things out. I'm working things out. Things are working themselves out.

I'm in love again.

Can you tell which eggs came from happy chickens? 

Middle Child

How can you empathize with another if you desire them to feel the way you think they should? How can you understand another if you desire them to think the way you feel they should? How can you promote sympathy by getting angry at discord? How can you develop a connection by insisting disconnect is unreasonable? Focus on what is missing on your side of the equation. Open your heart: open your mind. Take a step towards the middle.

Perpetual Ending

Back in Montreal. This will be the last week of my perpetual vacation. Although I have worked quite a bit I have not had a formal full time job in almost three years. This should be interesting. I plan to visit with friends and family, take care of some business, and get my things together for the move to NB. Just what I can fit in the car. Decisions, decisions, decisions...

Between the Eyes

Wow. I just opened up a file I use on my computer to compose blog entries while offline and found a strange little entry that never made it out onto the internets. A reminder of a fragmented frame of mind that is not so far behind me.

I don’t always share the intimate details of the extreme highs and lows of my life on this site. Instead, I try and capture the thoughts and/or feelings from a moment of epiphany; I try to distill my experience down to an atomic tidbit of learning; I try to inoculate my readers with the antidote to what plagues me; I try, I try, I try.

There are periods of time where I don't share anything as I have yet to learn anything worth sharing. Perhaps there is more gold in the process of finding answers than in the answers themselves; I don’t know the answers I only have the means to find them; I can't find the answers I can only find my answers; My strength is not in my answers but in the will to continue amidst unanswered questions.

I've been processing quite a lot of stuff over the past few weeks. I can't explain what I mean by that but your interpretation of processing most likely doesn't come close to it. I started to try to explain my experience of beginning to experience life as it is, but I couldn't. I could describe joy and pain, fear and desire, words and images, or blockage and release. I could say nerves, energy, breath, oxygen, balance, mind, body, or consciousness. I could talk about patterns, change, non-intellectual learning, surrender, flow, recursion, metaphor. How do you describe something beyond description?

I can't give you what you already have: I can only ask you to look. Stop running away from yourself. Stop medicating your predicament. Stop reacting. Stop justifying. Stop pitying. Let go of certainty, pride, and prejudice. Trust and respect. Focus and pay attention. Stop learning the same thing over and over and over again. Take off your blinders and look life in the eyes, through the eyes, and between the eyes.

Left the Coast

The first leg of the road trip is complete. I made it from Vancouver, BC to Barrie, ON in five days; not so bad if I do say so myself; and averaging 100 kph. I only slept in the car one night. The drive was fantastic; mind and body riding the crest of a little red honda wave hand in hand. I experienced a wonderful cleansing journey. I might give the play by play later but for now: Beach Ave. goodbye, pothead hitchhiker, Frazier valley beauty, Arizona in BC, Rockies bathed in moonlight, Cranmore info center nap, Calgary in the wee hours, Tim hortons nap til sunrise, sun drenched plains, A&W nap til mid afternoon, Thai in Regina, Hostel to myself, clean and meditated and ready to go early, that's it I'm not going back to Winnipeg, deep cold, halo around the moon, frozen waterfalls at midnight, Thunder Bay hostel at 2am, oatmeal at the truck-stop, the town of Marathon on the coast of the largest great lake: "It's superior in the long run", Finally some blizzard, Trout in the Sault, a hotel out of time, highway 69 baby, cottage country from the other side, almost out of gas, Mommy!!!!!!! That about sums it up.

Orbiting with the Moon

I'm leaving Vancouver today. This will be my third continental crossing, my first heading east. I may not get a chance to write while I'm on the road but I'll see what I can do.

Lost and Found

Where are you? Are you lost in thought? Are you adrift in emotion? Are you inside someone's head? Are you burried in a book? Are you marooned in your habits? Are you secluded in the past? Are you swimming in the future? Perhaps you should pause for a moment to check the lost and found.

How it is

I came across this little description of a subset of the English language which eliminates the verb "to be" called E-Prime. Reading it brought to the surface many fragmented thoughts from the past.

I have often found the human inability to distinguish between opinion and truth fascinating. This interest has made me very sensitive to how people express themselves. Certainty frequently turns my stomach and I often find myself challenging people in an attempt to put a crack in their rock solid mindset.

The worst case of indigestion usually arises after a meal of unsolicited advice. It takes me back to my youth where I endured an individual who felt it necessary to impose her limited understanding of the world as if it were absolute truth. Opinions are open for discussion but facts are irrefutable.

So I'm working on not letting such narrowmindedness get to me through realizing that I am built up of similar dogmatic certainties. I see it as learning to tolerate intolerance; including my own.

So the next time you have something to say try offering your opinion rather than forcing your belief and I'll try not to take it so seriously. Better yet: share the experience off of which your opinion is based. Lets try to remember that we only know how it seems: not how it is.

One and the Same

A while back I aluded to and then used the expression cooperate yourself. How do you remedy a situation where there is a lack of cooperation? Communication is key. Lots of listening: no reacting. Bring both parties to the table and allow them to see the relationship for what it is. Apologies may be required. Promises may be needed. Begging for forgiveness might be necessary. There could be a few tears shed and a little laughter too. Neither of you can do it alone; unless you realize that you are one and the same to begin with.

Yea Baby

I got the job and my baby niece is healthy and beautiful. I taught my first tutoring session yesterday; grade eleven math. I got a hair cut and feel a bit like a little boy. I'm sure it will grow on me :) I'm feeling a lot of things right now but am very much at peace with it all. Maintaining my practice and remaining undistracted. Life is good.

Zen Parable

A man walking across a field encountered a tiger. He fled, the tiger chasing after him. Coming to a cliff, he caught hold of a wild vine and swung himself over the edge. The tiger sniffed at him from above. Terrified, the man looked down to where, far below, another tiger had come, waiting to eat him. Two mice, one white and one black, little by little began to gnaw away at the vine. The man saw a luscious strawberry near him. Grasping the vine in one hand, he plucked the strawberry with the other. How sweet it tasted!

Dhamma Good

I'm back. Got back to the city on Sunday afternoon. The Vipassana experience was fantastic. I realized that my previous experience with the meditation technique was very much an intellectually dominated one. During the ten days I faced myself in a way I never have, I let go in a way that I can't even begin to explain, I experienced knowledge from an entirely new perspective. This experience has given me a healthy detachment from suffering that is allowing a holistic personal healing process to proceed at unprecedented rates. If I weren't so balanced I'd be ecstatic!

My newfound connectedness was quickly tested. Upon my return two phone messages awaited me; one with the promise of a very exciting job in New Brunswick and the other with the news that my maternal grandmother had passed away. My grandmother had been through a significant decline in mental and physical health and this news was not quite as jarring as it might seem, perhaps positive closure even. I had a phone interview for the job today and I think it went well.

All in all I have to say that this is a significant moment in my life. I feel a clairity that I have seen only but glimpses of over the past many years, my sister is in the process of giving birth, and it is the new moon of a new rooster year. Seems to be some sort of convergence happening. If you have a moment try and see if you can feel it too.

Starting Something?

Still in Van. Still working on finding an income of some sort. I'm heading to the local Vipassana centre for a ten day sitting starting on Wednesday. It has been a year since my first and last course so it would seem that I am due. I'm looking forward to the experience. I feel good, like I'm starting to embrace rather than resist uncertainty. For now at least. I have an interview on Tuesday, nothing too serious but it's a start. This coming full moon is feeling better than the last few.

Sure Thing

Are you certain? You talk like you are. You act like you are. You think like you are. You know what you want, you know what's best, you know how it is. You always have the answer. Listen to yourself. Watch yourself. Experience your thoughts. Maybe, just maybe, there is more to it than you know.

Daily Zen

"Do not mistake understanding for realization, and do not mistake realization for liberation"....Tibetan Saying.

Chew on This

Our Religions: Are they the Religions of Humanity Itself?

Say it like it is

There is a difference between what you say and how you say it. Filtering what you say is a far simpler task than filtering how you say it. How you say things is a strong indicator of what you really think, how you feel, and who you are. To change that is not a simple matter of choice. It seems we are often more concerned with the surface and fail to address the core. We need to work on being rather than appearing to be.

Running on Empty

Haven't been writing much in here lately. New city, new year, new moon; same old gut wrenching internal conflict, uncertainty, confusion, loneliness, and fog. Still working on the practical side of things I understand mostly at a conceptual level. Implementation is meant to be a rough and difficult process.

I was thinking about all the connections and disconnections of my life and felt a combination of appreciation and longing. Simultaneously full and empty feelings. It's hard not to focus on the empty. It's hard not to give in to the empty. It's hard not to become attached to the empty. It's hard to accept the empty without believing that it needs to be filled with anything other than understanding.

I've got a backlog of things I want to express. Building your own metaphors, trying to find it is how you lost it in the first place, comfort zone horizons, and pride destroying your strengths. I'm going to try to get back to the book.

I've been playing with this little idea of life-cycles. At first I was thinking of them as ABCABCABC... I'm starting to think that it is more like ABCCBAABC... or something like that. Perhaps a different notation could be used like ABCC'B'A'A''B''C''. I'll have to elaborate later.

Enough jibber-jabber. Happy New Year everyone, lets make it one worth remembering.