Friday, December 05, 2003

Bacchus on the Wagon

The week of abstinence (actually it was more, I hadn't had a drink in probably two weeks) and the clean system allowed me to really feel the effects of alcohol today. I had five drinks last night, for me that equals relaxed and chatty. Not enough to cause a full hangover but perfect to study the effects. Today when I woke up my eyes felt dry (could be the smoke at the bar too) and my stomach felt irritated. At work this morning I felt lethargic whereas the day before I was dansing. My sister had some trouble with the police today while getting a speeding ticket, they claimed there was a warrant out for her arrest but didn't do anything about it because she had the kids with her and were fairly certain that it was some sort of clerical error. Hearing this really made me feel for her but also got me concerned that I was the one they were actually looking for for an unpaid ticket. A ticket I got a while back for argueing with a cop while drunk. I left the office and was going to go home and pay the ticket. I realized that I would have to either mail in a check or go to the cop-shop to pay it as it did not allow payment at a financial institution. So I never unloaded my stress. I got to the massage place (where I had never been before) and while sitting in the waiting room felt this heart palpitation and needed to breath deeply for a while before it passed. I have felt it before, all drug or alcohol related. I gave up all intoxicants at the beginning of this year and one weekend a few buddies from Ottawa came to visit and I got off the wagon to see them. I felt that same anxiety at work the following Monday. Actually, the last time I had a drink prior to last night was two Fridays ago. I had about a pitcher of beer and smoked* quite a bit. I felt uncontrollable shivers and fear that it might not stop. When I got home that night I felt very anxious and chose to lay off of it all for a while. That is when the brain-pressure started again. That is what motivated me to do the cleansing in the first place. Addiction is a subtle distortion. It makes me forget what I know. I don't want to forget what I know. Done and done. The massage was interesting. Cranial sacral. Very relaxing and meditative. I felt warm and safe so the anxiety left me and I focused on relaxing the tension in my head. The clairity coming out here may be a product of that process. Definately the most "alternative" medicine I have experienced. It was nice to be able to approach it with an open-mind, not wide open, but open. I think I need a good night's sleep.

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