Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Sorry the Bridge is Out

A buddy of mine called tonight. He asked why I was avoiding him. I had to tell him that he represented certain patterns of behavior that I was presently trying to avoid. He seemed very understanding, but then started asking me about New Years and some things he had that grew on cow patties. I told him that was exactly what I was talking about. It's not that I'm afraid of a lack of self control, I'm just not interested the whole situation. I have difficulty verbalizing where I am at and even if I could I don't believe that certain people in my life would be able to understand and maintain an open mind about it. I'm not interested in talking to someone who wants to pity me without opening up their own life to reevaluation. So I now find it difficult to spend time with people who maintain that their narrow little perspective on the world is the gold standard. And I certainly don't want to sit around talking about nothing while everyone around me gets "fucked up." I also don't want to commiserate over discussions about how messed up the world is. I want something simple without a lot of words but a whole lot of understanding. I want something busy yet peaceful. Something quietly overwhelming. Something new yet comforting. Something old yet fresh. I just have no idea how to get it. Maybe I don't need to get it I just need to be it. Don't worry, I'll hear myself eventually.

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